Looking Back on the Past Few Months and Looking Forward to the Summer

What a whirlwind. One minute, I think for sure I'm heading off to Middlebury for college, and the next, I realize my dream and decide to take a completely different path. You can imagine how hard of a choice it was for me, but in the end, I know it is the right path for me to take. I need to see for myself what I can do when I focus completely, 100% on the sport I love. I've never given myself an opportunity to do so, and people have told me that the sky is the limit for what I can do with hockey. It hasn't hurt that I've put myself in a very good position to succeed with what I've done off the ice as well. I take pride in the fact that the past 4 years of my life haven't been dedicated to hockey because I've been able to do so many awesome things with my life that some hockey players miss out on. Now, though, it's time for me to focus on hockey. I'm starting to really believe in myself after seeing that I can play with some of the best kids in the country. I have a little catching up to do, but I'm up for the task, and I've never been more hungry for a challenge.

After both of these tryouts, I can finally take a deep breath. With graduation and everything leading up to these tryouts, I never really had a chance to catch my breath, but now I can look back on all I've gone through in such a short amount of time. My life changed before me in a blur. Everyone who knows me remembers how excited I was to be going to Middlebury. It was the only place I wanted to go for college, in fact, the only school I applied to. Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket. Something serious was going to have to happen to persuade me not to go to Middlebury to play hockey. And it did. Looking back, I'm very surprised that I decided to defer from Middlebury, and I don't think I am the only person who was surprised with my decision, although I, myself, may have been the most surprised out of anybody. I'm the kind of person who doesn't change his mind very easily, and Middlebury seemed like a perfect fit for me. Turns out, it wasn't. I had to look very deep within myself to realize that my dream has always been to play Division I college hockey, and I can't thank Jason enough for seeing that hunger, that drive to be the best I can be in me, and helping persuade me to give my hockey career a chance.

I keep saying that deferring from Middlebury was a hard decision. And it was the hardest decision I have ever made. Looking back, though, once I got a taste of hockey at a high level, once I saw the kids on the Indiana Ice and how good they were, how committed they were, and how serious they were about hockey, I knew that I wanted to be a hockey player. My mom called me after my first practice with the Ice back in March and asked, "So is that something you think you wanna do?" I remember saying matter-of-factly, "Yes." The hard part was not deciding, but going through with the whole process of deferring. It made me grow up, and now I know I am stronger for what I've gone through, stronger for actually realizing what my dream was before it was too late. A lot of kids just let their dreams go by the wayside because it becomes too hard, or takes up too much time to be a rockstar or an actor, but I couldn't be happier that I'm at least giving my dream a shot. I even thought that it was too late to follow my dream. I told Jason I thought so. But after going to these tryouts in the last few weeks, I am confident that I can catch up and maybe even surpass these kids with my abilities if I put in the work. I'm not that far behind, and I may actually be ahead already because of what I've done off the ice...

For now, I only have one thing to worry about this summer: getting ready for next year. I am going to work as hard as possible to make myself the best I can be before the start of the season this fall. I've set up a shooting range in my garage, and I will continue to work out at Dogma as hard as I can to make sure that I can be a difference-maker on whatever team I am on next year. I keep saying "whatever team I am on" because I'm wary about telling myself I will be on the Bobcats. I want to put in the work just like all the other kids before main camp in August to give myself the best chance to make the team. Nothing is guaranteed.

However unusual the path I am taking is, or however offended some people were that I have decided to do what I'm doing, I know it is the right choice for me, and that's the most important thing. It came down to the fact that I didn't want to sit around as an old fart and wonder if I could have gone further with my hockey career. Now, I am taking risks so I can know that I didn't sell myself short. Now, it's just a matter of me putting in the effort, and I have no doubt that I will do what it takes for me to succeed.

Thoughts after the Indiana tryout...

I overachieved during the weekend. People were surprised at the strides I had made over the past few months, and I made myself noticed again with my passing, positioning, and smart, solid play. At times, I made mistakes, but the feedback that I got from coaches was that they were mistakes that were easy to correct. Coach Lutsch, the recruiting guy at Indiana, told me that the coaches of the Ice were shocked at how much I had improved since the last time they saw me. I am a fast learner after all, and once I set my mind to getting better, I get better with hard work and self discipline.

Every time I stepped on the ice, I got better and more comfortable with the speed of play at the camp. The coaches recognized my hard work and my passing ability and they awarded me by giving me a spot in the all-star game on Sunday. I was happy with myself. I had made the cut down to the last 40-45 players and those were good odds to make the final 30 man roster posted on Sunday after the all-star game. I played in the game, but unfortunately did not play very well. We were all in full Indiana Ice gear: jerseys and socks and it felt like an actual game. I had to rotate in with two other defensemen so I didn't get much playing time, and it was hard for me to get into a rhythm throughout the game, but it was good for me to play in that game, as it was the highest level I've ever played at. I had never had to battle like I did in that game, and overall it was a great experience for me. I did not make the 30 man roster, but I felt like I gained some respect throughout the weekend, if nothing else.

The weekend was an awesome experience for me. I played the best hockey I've ever played, and I showed people what I was made of, or at least gave them a hint of the potential I have to become even better. I got better every game, and I know I will only continue to get better as I work on the things I need to work on. There were a lot of college coaches at the camp, and it didn't hurt to have Jason there whispering in the scouts' ears for me, but I think I would've turned heads even if I didn't have someone there talking to people about me. I played well during the weekend, considering that was the first time I had played at such a high level. Even though I did not make the team, it was an awesome weekend for me: I got some good exposure with coaches at schools like Harvard and Yale and others, I gained confidence in the fact that now I know I can play with these kids, if not this year then certainly next year, and I gave a sneak preview of the kind of potential I have to become a hockey player. I turned some heads and now I know that people will be watching me next year in the NAHL, which is probably a better fit for me next year. Playing in the USHL might be a bit of a stretch for me, but I now know that I can excel in the NAHL if I put the work in to make myself better.

Thoughts before the Indiana tryout...

I had no expectations for myself coming into the tryout, and to be honest, I don't think anyone else expected anything from me either. Of course I wanted to do well and show people I could play, but the USHL is just at a whole other level than what I'm used to, and I was not sure I could play at that high of a level. I didn't know what to expect from the weekend; I knew I was in a good spot because the guy I knew at Indiana would help me out over the weekend, and Jason came down from Detroit to help me out during the weekend also. I wasn't really a player the Ice were interested in, and the reason for going to the main camp of the Ice wasn't to make the team but to make myself more confident and get some needed exposure. So I was in a position of no pressure: I already had a tender with Bismarck, and I was just a high school kid, coming out to show how I could play hockey. The Ice coaches and staff didn't really expect much from me as I wasn't a top recruit, but I came ready to compete. I didn't want to embarrass myself.

Again, I walked through the doors to the ice rink and saw a lot of AAA hockey players. They all knew each other, had seen each other at various tournaments throughout the year. I stood in line for the off-ice testing very quietly, thinking about what I had to do in the upcoming weekend. I was nervous and anxious, but mostly calm as I really had nothing to worry about. I got into the coaches' room and they measured my height and weight. They were pleasantly surprised with my weight (206 lbs.) and my height (6'4") and they all remembered me from when I came to skate with them in March. I didn't skate very well back in March because it was hard to come into a team's practice and get noticed in a good way. The drills were unusual to me and the level was way higher than what I was used to. The coaches noticed I wasn't ready for the USHL yet, and I could tell when I saw them in the coaches' room that they still felt the same way. There were other kids that they were more interested in, that they had more expectations for.

Still, I had a feeling that I could prove people wrong and turn some heads at this camp.

Thoughts after the Bismarck tryout in Denver...

I can hang with all these guys. I walked into the locker room before my first game and saw AAA warm-up suits and hockey bags. I was just a high school hockey kid, and people scoffed at me when I told them I had played high school in Colorado the past 4 years. I proved them wrong though. Even though most of the AAA kids play 100 games a year, or however many they play, I hung with them and got more confident as the weekend went on. I established myself as one of the best defenseman at the camp with my size, passing, and ability to see the ice. I became more physical every game and played to my strengths.

The coaches were impressed with me, and they told me they were excited to work with me over the next few years. I can't wait to become better. It seemed like I got better every time I stepped on the ice, and I know I will continue to get better because I will put the work in to become better. I showed them my potential and surprised the AAA kids with my hockey skills. I think there will be more surprises next year when I bust onto the scene.

Playing at the Bismarck camp made me even more hungry. I saw a level that I have never played at, and it made me want to play at a high level even more. Being able to play with the kids at that camp and impressing the Bismarck coaches put more confidence in me. Now, I believe strongly that I can play and make a difference in the NAHL or wherever I play next year.

Thoughts before the Bismarck tryout in Denver...

I was nervous. I told my mom that I didn't want to let any of the people down that had put their word on the line for me. I hadn't even met the coaches of Bismarck before the tryout, and I knew they were expecting big things from me. Still, at the same time, I felt like I was in a position of no pressure. I was just a high school kid coming into the tryout to show the coaches how I could play hockey. I just had to play to my strengths and not try to do too much, and I would be fine. I walked through the door at the ice rink and met the coaches. Immediately, they seemed very excited about me. They said they knew that I needed a lot of coaching, but they were confident that I could become a good hockey player if I put in the work. It was up to me, however, to decide how much work I wanted to put in, and I would only go as far as my work ethic takes me.

Here is what I wrote in my journal before the tryout:
Today, I finally get to prove myself. I am going to show that I deserve to be a Bobcat. Every shift, I am going to leave it on the ice, make a smart play, and play within myself. I am confident in my abilities and confident in the fact that I can make this team. I will make my presence known when I'm on the ice--physically, offensively, defensively, with my hockey sense...
I WANT TO BE A BOBCAT
You will do great. You can be the best one there. SHOW IT. MAKE IT HAPPEN. No one has worked as hard as you. Work for it.

Putting in the work

I quit track this past year, my last sports season at BMHS. If I had competed, I would have been a 4-year, 3-sport athlete, but i decided against it in my senior year. I realized that hockey was more important to me, and running 800 meters around a track like I had the past 3 years doesn't really help someone gain muscle weight, which I had to do before my upcoming hockey tryouts. I told my parents I wanted to get a trainer, and they helped me get one almost immediately. They have said they will do anything for me to help me reach my goal, and I couldn't do what I'm doing without such supporting parents.

In March, I started doing hockey-specific workouts 4 times a week. I was on this rigorous training schedule with hardcore workouts for about 8 weeks before my tryouts in May and June. It was unlike anything I had ever done. I thought waking up in the morning at 7 to work out with the Battle Mountain team was hard, but the trainers at Dogma Athletica in Edwards have made me think twice. I did two running workouts, one strength-specific, and one movement-specific workout each week for the 8 weeks before my tryouts. At times, I felt like LaDainian Tomlinson or something, but I know I'm not anywhere near that level of athlete yet. It really helped me become more of an athlete and realize what kind of hard work is in front of me, though, as I will likely go through even harder workouts coming up. Working out at Dogma has made me much stronger; I've already gained about 5 pounds since starting my workouts, and I've gained much more confidence in myself as an athlete.

Before starting my work outs, I was already a big boy. I just needed some direction and help in pushing myself to the limit to become a better hockey player. Dogma has been the perfect place for me, and I will likely continue to work out there during the summer months.

Unfulfilled Longings

"Most of our longings go unfulfilled. This is the world's implication -- a desire for something lost or fled or otherwise out of reach." -a quote from Mr. Loetscher's English class

Most of our longings go unfulfilled. "Longings" is not the key word for me in this quote. Most of our longings go unfulfilled, but not mine. I almost let them go unfulfilled though. For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to play hockey, watch hockey, be a hockey player. There's a difference between playing hockey and being a hockey player. For too long, I have not given myself an opportunity to be the best I can be at what I want to do. It amazes me that I've been given the opportunity to do what I want to do after years of wondering whether or not I could do it. I've realized now that I want this more than anything.

It's almost like it's destiny. All my hard work in school, outside of school, and my good character has given me a chance to succeed at hockey. It's not every day that a 6'4", 200 pound defenseman who is smart, athletic, and has good character comes along. Coaches have realized that and they've given me a chance to succeed even though they haven't seen me play once.

I'm a competitor. That's what makes me stand out. I hate to lose, and I'll do anything to make sure that I don't. I'm a team player in world full of people looking out for themselves. Maybe that is a weakness, but I think that is what makes me attractive as a recruit. When I put my mind to something, I do it. I know I'm a big fish in a small pond in the Vail Valley, but I'm a fast learner, and I'm confident that I can play hockey at the highest level I want to. Once I get some experience playing on a higher level team, I will start to develop as a player.

My longing has come partly true to this point, but I know I have a lot more work to do. I am willing to put the work in though, unlike most people. Most people don't give themselves the chance to fulfill their longings, and I'm happy that I've finally realized the right path for me to take to fulfill my dreams. Now I just have to put the work in to make it possible.

Graduation Looming

I just wanna graduate! Only a month away, and then I can start buckling down to become a hockey player. I want to become a hockey player and not just play hockey anymore. Next year, I'll be around people with the same or greater passion for the game as I have. I watched hockey for 4 hours straight last night, maybe longer. Something about the sport just captivates me; I want to be a hockey player more than anything. Don't get me wrong. I still want to get a good education and set myself up for a good life after my hockey career, but now I need to focus on hockey. I'm already a few big steps behind kids my age pursuing the same thing I am, but I will get there.

Graduation. It's exciting. I can't wait! I want to graduate and get on with my life. Focus on hockey. Get out of this social trap. Meet new people. Prove myself. People are happy to hear about my goals, however unusual it is for me to take a year or two off from college. They always say to me wistfully, "Ya know, if I could go back and go to college again, I wish I would have taken a year or two off before going to school." Or they say, "I'm so happy you're chasing your dream. Go after it while your legs are still young!" There is a lot of concern and interest in me that I hear from all my teachers and friends and friends' parents, but I am EXCITED, and that's really the only person who counts.

There's really no other word to describe the emotions I feel than excited. Why didn't I give myself the chance before? Why didn't I believe in myself like I do now? It doesn't matter, though, because now I am just that much hungrier than anyone else out there. I have to come out with a fire because I am flying very low under the radar. No one knows about me. Graduation, for me, will be different than it is for most others in the class of 2010. I am going to follow my dream, and most of my friends are going to college to find themselves, find what they're interested in, and, of course, party...It's definitely a different path that I am taking, but I can't wait to start.

Yes, I will probably live in North Dakota next year...

I looked up Bismarck on Google. It doesn't look as bad in North Dakota as people make it out to be. I've only heard good things so far about the capital city of North Dakota, but the state seems to have a bad rep for no reason. My mom says Bismarck is recession-proof. I've heard they're crazy about hockey there, and that's the only thing that matters to me. As long as I am playing hockey next year, I will be happy.

It's amazing to me that all these coaches are so interested in me when they haven't even seen me play. I'm getting tendered by the Bismarck Bobcats. I hear it's the best place to play in the NAHL, and I am so excited to get started. It's a big relief to me because I no longer have to say I am just trying out somewhere. I am actually wanted somewhere. The coach is defense-oriented, which will help me out, and apparently the fans love you, and there are 1200 of them at every game. It seems like things will only keep going up from here.

Call With Bismarck Bobcats

In early April, I got a call from the head coach of the Bismarck Bobcats, a team in the North American Hockey League (NAHL), which is a Junior A Tier II league. The recruiter with the Indiana Ice, a good friend of Jason's, had been in contact with the coach at Bismarck and had a lot of good things to say about me. It didn't hurt that the captain of the Bismarck team was another kid from Edwards, Colorado, Casey Kleisinger. The Bismarck coaches had a lot of trust in the Kleisinger's, and they also had a lot of good things to say about me. After I had signed up for the Bobcats' regional tryout camp in Denver, I got a call from the head coach at Bismarck. They had heard enough good things about me and here are my thoughts the day after I got the initial call:

Things are already working out for me. The Bismarck Bobcats are very interested in me without ever even seeing me play. He told me that he had heard enough about me and that he wanted me to wear a Bobcat uniform next year. I've kinda stayed away from the whole junior scene for a long time, and now I've been thrown into the mix and don't really know what to do but trust what people are telling me. The Bismarck coach wants to keep me a secret so he can draft me or tender me and basically make me a member of the Bobcats if I don't make the Indiana Ice. It's very exciting to be in this position of stealth because when people see me next year, they won't know where I came from. I'm gonna bust onto the scene wherever I end up and turn a few heads. People must see something special in me because not many kids get the same opportunities that I am getting, and I've only been playing in a crappy high school league the past 4 years. There's a long road ahead, but I'm off to a good start.

After the call with the Bismarck coach, Jason called me. He thinks that Bismarck is a perfect fit for me, and it seems like it is the best place to play in the NAHL. The fans are dedicated, the coaches are knowledgeable, and there is a good off-ice program and a lot of time to be on the ice, working on becoming better. I talked to my family and called Casey and the Kleisinger's. They also think that Bismarck is the perfect place for me. The coach found a tender and offered me his last remaining one. I signed the tender, giving the Bismarck Bobcats my rights within the NAHL. I am so excited to be a Bobcat! Even though it's not for sure yet, it is still exciting to have people who are interested in helping me become a hockey player!

Jason told me that my character and what I have done off the ice so far is what has gotten me further than my on-ice accomplishments. That was a pretty powerful statement because that reinforces what my parents have been telling me all along: doing well in school and being a good person will open more doors for you than just an athletic ability. I guess I am lucky that I have been able to balance my academics, athletics, and still be a good person throughout high school.

My Story in a Nutshell

In December 2009, I committed to Middlebury College to play hockey. I wanted to go there more than anything because I wanted to play college hockey and get an unbelievable education at the same time. Part of the reason I wanted to go there so bad was because I thought it was the best place for me to go, coming from an unknown hockey school in the mountains of Colorado. I didn't think I had a chance to go anywhere else, and I never gave myself the opportunity to prove I was a good hockey player. For 4 years, I was playing in a league with little exposure, mediocre players, and, quite honestly, little significance compared to high school leagues in other states like Minnesota and Wisconsin. No one saw me, and people told me I needed to go somewhere else if I wanted to pursue hockey. I didn't listen, though. Something told me to stay at Battle Mountain, close to my family, in a place where I could be involved and get the most out of my high school career.

Since playing in youth hockey in Vail and in Denver, I had always heard how hard it is to make it in hockey. People's comments made me wary because I didn't want to fail. I shouldn't have let their comments get to me because I should've believed in my work ethic, my love for hockey, and my ability, but I was insecure. So I hid myself in Colorado High School Hockey, thinking that people would see me if it was meant to be, rarely ever showing myself in anything outside of the CHSAA (Colorado High School Activities Association) league. I made an impact throughout the league and in my community with young hockey players, but for the majority of my high school career no one of importance noticed me for what I wanted to do.

During my junior year of high school, the Middlebury College hockey coach came to Eagle for a Vail Eagle Hockey Association youth hockey camp. My high school coach was selling me to the coach, telling him I was a big kid, with a good head on my shoulders, and a lot of hockey potential. I didn't even want to go to the camp to have the coach see me because, again, I was afraid to fail, afraid to hear what people thought of how I played hockey. Finally, after a call from my high school coach and with my mom's urging, I went down to Eagle on the last day of the camp. The coach liked what he saw, and he said he would keep in touch over the next year or two. Right then, I realized that playing hockey at the next level was something I really wanted to do, and something I really could do. I ended up visiting Middlebury twice and loved everything about it. The coaches really had an impact on me when I visited because I could tell that they wanted me to be a Panther and believed I could make an impact on their program. And I wanted to be a Panther. For a while, it seemed like I would go to Middlebury without a doubt. I got accepted into the Class of 2014 in December 2009, and confirmed I would be going there in the fall of 2010.

I kept playing in the CHSAA league for my senior season and tore it up. I was named All-State First Team and led the state in scoring for defensemen. Our most important weekend happened to be the weekend that our Vail International Hockey team came back from our trip to Eastern Europe. I was worried I would be out of shape for our games against rivals, Palmer and Lewis-Palmer. I focused hard during practice in our week back from Europe, making sure I would be at top form in our most important games of the year. Turns out, the Red Wing Alumni team was in town for that same weekend, and we were playing our games before their game against the Vail Mountaineer guys. I played really hard in both of our games, and we got good results against Palmer (a 1-1 tie) and against Lewis-Palmer (a 1-0 win). I happened to score the game winning goal against Lewis-Palmer, a one-timer from the point that went in right on the ice. After the game, I was ecstatic, completely fired up about the win, and about what might happen the rest of the season after passing such a hard test against Lewis-Palmer.

My coach pulled me aside in the locker room and told me there was an NHL scout outside who wanted to talk to me. Almost immediately I lost my breath and got really nervous. Why would he want to talk to me? I was just a hockey player from Battle Mountain High School, not really anything special outside of the high school league in Colorado. I went outside, not knowing what to expect. My parents and I ended up talking to Jason Woolley, a family advisor with The Player's Group, for over an hour. He was on the Red Wing Alumni team and had played with the Red Wings for a number of years. He wanted to know my story because he had heard a lot about me the past two days, being in Vail before our high school games, and he saw me play the past two games. I told him I was committed to going to Middlebury to play hockey and get an education. He insisted that I need more exposure and believed I could play Division I college hockey if I really went for it. He stressed that once I was in the right environment, I could become a hockey player, not just someone who likes the idea of being a hockey player.

I was hesitant. I was almost certain that I wanted to go to Middlebury. It was the only school I applied to, and I had been talking to the coaches there for a year and a half. Jason was persistent, though. He emailed my parents and called me over the next few weeks. My parents were also hesitant, not sure if they wanted their son to go off to play junior hockey in an unacademic setting. Then, I started to realize that I wanted to be the best I could be at the sport I love. I had cut myself short too many times. I could've gone to become a hockey player years before, but for some reason I chose to finish out my career at Battle Mountain. I started to believe in myself, as Jason kept calling me and texting me, telling me that I could do it if I put my mind to it. And I started to want to put myself out there, to show people that I could play hockey. I did not want to close myself off from other opportunities anymore. Jason ended up helping me set up a trip to Indiana to skate with a USHL team called the Indiana Ice. The USHL is the top juniors league in the country, and I admit, I was a little over my head coming in there as a Colorado High School Hockey player. The practices with the Ice were fast-paced, intense, and so much fun! After the weekend in Indiana, I realized I wanted to play hockey at the highest level I could, and that meant going to play juniors for a year or two before college.

Then came the hard part. I had to call the coaches at Middlebury and tell them that I wanted to go play junior hockey and not come to Middlebury in 2010. Jason told me it would be an easy call. Just tell them my plans and that I actually have a shot at making a team somewhere. It ended up being the hardest call of my life. I grew up during that call to Coach Beaney. I am a very loyal person. That's probably part of the reason why I stayed at Battle Mountain for 4 years, and that's why the call to Middlebury was very hard for me. I told him my plans, and he was disappointed, almost upset at the choice I was making. He told me to be careful about the whole juniors process because people along the way try to take advantage of you. I know Jason was not taking advantage of me though. He was doing all of this for me, giving me a chance, and I am so grateful and so lucky that he saw me when he did. He set me up for the path I am taking now, and I will tell you all about what I am going through in the next few posts.

Introduction

Since I can remember, I've always wanted to play college hockey at some level. Most kids' dreams die off or the commitment becomes too hard. That wasn't the case for me. I love hockey. More than anything. I just never had the self confidence throughout high school to tell myself that I wanted to go as far as I could with the sport I love. I sold myself short, playing Colorado high school hockey for 4 years. But I couldn't be happier that I did. I had the best 4 years anyone could ask for, winning league championships in multiple sports, getting All-League and All-State recognitions in multiple sports, and making incredible friends that I will never forget. I am so happy that I got to experience high school the way I did because I was able to be involved in as many things as I wanted, especially going to a small school like Battle Mountain High School, and I got to stay close to my family, which I know many hockey players have to sacrifice at a young age.

During high school I was a 4 year varsity letter winner in soccer and hockey, and a 3 year participant in track (I gave up track my senior season to focus on hockey.) I played in 14 total postseason games in soccer and hockey, and ran in two state track meets. In all, I won 4 league championships, played in one state championship game in hockey, and won one state championship in track (4 X 800 Relay team in 2008). I had an unbelievable athletic career at BMHS, winning the Outstanding Senior Athlete Award and being recognized as one of 8 finalists for the Steinmark Award, an award for the student-athlete of the year in Colorado.

Along with all my athletic successes, I tried to involve myself in as many things as possible. I was a member of the National Honor Society and performed in three high school spring musicals. I also maintained a spot in the top 10% of my class during all 4 years of high school. I made it a priority to not only give 100% on the athletic fields, but also in the classroom and I made a name for myself throughout the high school with my character, smarts, and of course my athletic accomplishments.