Gaining Confidence

I've done a lot better the past few days. I'm getting more comfortable and a little more used to the speed of the practices, although I admit I'm still struggling a little, but I'm not being so hard on myself anymore. I know I'm in a good spot. I have a lot of people behind me who believe in my potential, and I have a lot of things going for me that other hockey players don't. The coaches have started working with me, giving me drills to work on by myself. They will help me improve my footwork and movement with the puck. I've been going into the gym after practice every day as well, so I always come home exhausted, but I like it. I know all my hard work will pay off as long as I continue to work hard. Today we spent 3 hours on the ice! Every day is a grind, and the weeks seem to go by so fast. I'm really starting to get into a rhythm, though, which I think is helping my confidence on the ice. One of my goals at the beginning of the season was to get better every day. And I don't know if I can say that's exactly what's happened so far because there are a lot of ups and downs from day to day, but I'm confident I'm better now than I was at the start of the season, and we're only 3 weeks in...

Things Will Get Better

I was basically a water boy all weekend again. I don't like it, but I'm not going to complain about it because that will just make things worse for me. I'm going to go about business as usual and try to change my situation. I've been reading this book called Mind Gym, and it's been really great in helping me become more positive. It says that where most athletes get hung up is in their mental approach. The most successful athletes are those who can think positively about every situation and work hard to improve their weaknesses. It also gives some pointers and some real life examples of high level athletes. And their experiences are never perfect either. It suggested carrying around the Serenity Prayer, which a lot of athletes do. It says, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." It's a great little prayer, and it really helps calm me down when I start to feel angry or sad that I'm not playing. The team also partakes in prayers before every game, and the chaplain reminds us to keep God with us as we go forward with hockey because we owe a lot of our good fortune and talents to Him. All these things are helping me tackle the mental side of this experience. I was having a hard time with things before, but now I think I've started to figure it out. I'm going to have more fun when I'm on the ice for practice, and I'm going to start playing with confidence, and not be worried about being perfect. I am a good hockey player when I put my mind right, and I am going to believe in myself and my abilities and let it show that I believe in myself.

Marathon, Not a Sprint

It's hard to always stay positive. But I have to remember that I've only been practicing for two weeks, and I'm hanging in there fine. I came from a place known for skiing, not hockey, and I played multiple sports my whole life. A lot of these kids have only played hockey their whole lives. I may want things to work out for me right away, but that won't happen. I have to work for it. And I have two years to get where I want to get. My whole life, I've had to work to get better, but I've always played. I played varsity soccer and hockey for 4 years in high school, and I played a lot, even as a freshman. It's going to be different not playing, not being the guy the coach can count on in any situation, but it will make me work harder. My mom and dad told me they think this path opened up for me for a reason. I think so too. It's not going to be easy at the start; I still have a long way to go, but I am going to follow it wholeheartedly. Sometimes, it's hard to keep the negative thoughts out like, "Why didn't I just go to Middlebury?" or "God, I suck at hockey," when things are going bad but I try to push those thoughts out. Lately, I've been putting way too much pressure on myself to be perfect, but I have to realize it's OK to make mistakes because I'm learning. I have to remember it's a marathon, not a sprint, and I'm going to be fine if I keep working hard and learning every day.

Not Ready to Play

I sat down and talked with Coach today. He told me he doesn't think I'm ready to play at this level quite yet. He gave me the option of being traded if I wanted to be traded, but he said he wants to keep me and work with me because he thinks I'm a great kid. He said he cannot guarantee me any playing time right now, I need to develop a little more, but he also said if I put the work in, my potential is through the roof. It was a little disappointing hearing that from Coach, but also encouraging. I told him I want to stay and that I will work my hardest on and off the ice. I think that's what he wanted to hear from me because I really do believe that he thinks I can be a good hockey player for his team, it just might take a little while for me to acclimate. He wouldn't have kept me around this long if he didn't see something in me that he liked. I talked to my advisor, Jason, after talking to Coach, and he said it's up to me if I want to get traded, but being traded might be hard because I'm so inexperienced. I agree. I like it where I am. I think I'm in a good spot, where I can succeed if I work hard, and where people want to see me succeed as well. But he was going to talk to Coach anyways. Knowing that I won't be playing much will make it even more of a mental challenge to get through this year, but it will also drive me to become better. I definitely don't want to fill water bottles all year! Sam told me I'm in the same boat he was in last year. He said he was lucky to play 4th line, and he had to grind through every practice and every shift on the ice. I'm up for that challenge, and I think I will develop faster than Coach or anyone expects me to.

A Big Change

I'm used to playing in every situation on the ice. I like being out there the whole game because that's what I'm used to. I was the guy at BMHS. I only played in one game at the Showcase, and I only got about 5 shifts, which weren't very good shifts, to be honest. But, I realize that it's part of the process. Especially for me, the coaches have to make sure I'm ready to play at this high of a level when they put me out there. I'm not quite there yet. I made some mistakes when I was on the ice...I was nervous, but it's not the end of the world. I'm confident I am getting better, and I can get better every day this year. It's going to be hard. Not playing is very hard; I didn't really feel like a part of the team when I was just watching from the stands, filling up water bottles in between periods. That's how it goes though. I can't expect to just be given a spot on the roster. I have to work for it. And not playing just makes me more hungry to work harder in practice and force coach to play me. Our home opener is on Friday against the Alexandria Blizzard, a team that has a lot of returners. And we're expecting about 2,000 fans at the VFW Sportscenter here in town. Should be a fun night.

First Day at Showcase

Yesterday we drove from Bismarck to Minneapolis. We stopped in St. Cloud, Minnesota and toured the campus of St. Cloud State University, and then we had a practice on their home rink. It was a great experience to see the school and hear from the coach what the hockey players go through at the Division I level. It just made me that much hungrier to see the campus and hear what the coach had to say. He said, "If you're here now, you probably can play Division I hockey, but you have to realize that it might take a year or two. Be patient and work hard. Juniors has a way of weeding out the kids who don't really love the sport." It was also cool seeing the facilities that Division I players get to enjoy, like the locker room, players lounge, and the sick arena. After practice, we drove to our hotel in Minneapolis and hung out until we went to sleep. This morning, I found out I wasn't on the roster for the game. It was disappointing, but I know that most rookies have to go through the same thing. I'm hoping that I get to play at least two games this week, but I'll just go with the flow and if I get a chance, I'll give it my all. It was a great experience getting to watch all the games going on around the 8-rink complex, but honestly, I would've rather been playing. We ended up winning 7-2 against Fresno, riding a 6-0 first period to the win. It looks like we have a solid team, but it is only the first game. It's fun to see some names that I used to play with on different teams in the NAHL, going through the same thing I am.

Off to the Showcase Tomorrow...Realizing How Lucky I Am

We're heading to the NAHL Showcase tomorrow morning in Blaine, Minnesota. Every team in the NAHL is there, which makes it a great event for college scouts. It's really the biggest chance of the year to catch a scout's eye, and I'm pretty nervous, but very excited. There were cuts made this morning and they made me realize how lucky I am to have people who believe in me and my potential. I definitely would not be in the position I am in if I did not have people who have helped me along the way and believed in my future as a hockey player. It's hard to see the kids who get cut after they hear the news because it could've very easily been me who was cut. That is the nature of junior hockey though. It's a business, and coaches try to put together the best roster they can, and they will cut kids without hesitation. It's tough, but that's the way it goes. Sam said it best: "A lot of kids will come and go this year. We're just numbers on the meat market." That's why it is so important to show how hard you are willing to work to play your best every day. If something goes wrong, or a coach believes he can build a better team without you, then he will. That's why it is important that I also believe in my potential. It's a mental grind, but I know I am strong enough mentally because what I am doing has been my dream for my whole life, and now I'm living it, so I have to make the most of my chance. I'm living the dream, and if I can help it, I will not let the coaches think they can have a better team without me because I'm going to work as hard as I can to be the best hockey player I can. I'm a Bobcat now, and I have to wear this jersey with pride.

First Cuts Coming

I didn't end up playing in the first preseason game on Friday night; I was a scratch and had to take stats. I learned the hard way that it's not fun being a scratch because you aren't involved with the team except to fill water bottles in intermissions and take stats. It's hard not being able to go into the locker room and hear what everyone has to say, but that's just part of being a rookie. From what I hear, almost everyone has to go through their rookie year and get scratched at times. It's not a big deal, it just makes me want to work harder to become an important part of the team so I don't get scratched. Last night, I got to experience my first junior game on the ice. It's so much faster than what I'm used to, but I felt like I hung in there and made some good plays. I know I made some bad plays as well, which is part of the learning process, but I'm confident I can play at this level and make an impact at this level. The intensity of the games is so much higher than a typical high school game, and I constantly have to be thinking about what I am doing on the ice. I know with some practice, it will become easier for me to play without thinking too hard, but I'm not quite there yet. We need to be down to 25 players by the Showcase, which starts on Wednesday in Blaine, Minnesota. I'm confident about my chances, but I guess you never know what could happen. The first cuts are most likely coming tomorrow morning...

First Preseason Game Tomorrow

We have our first preseason game tomorrow against the Aberdeen Wings, an expansion team from South Dakota. I'm really excited, but also nervous. I know I didn't have a great first week of practice, but it was the first week, and I have a lot of learning left to do. I know I can play at this level, and I have to prove myself every day. This weekend, I have a chance to make an impression, and I plan on doing that. When my name gets called, I'm going to go on the ice and give everything I have. I play my best when I feel like there's nothing to lose, like at the Indiana Ice main camp, and I need to get that mentality back. I'm a good hockey player when I don't let my nerves get to me. I can't wait for tomorrow. I want to show that I can play.

Getting the Jitters Out

We've had our first few days of on-ice practice now. It's really fast paced, a lot faster than what I'm used to in practices. It has been a little hard to get a hang of all the drills so far because they're new to me, but I think I will catch on pretty fast. For me, it's all about getting used to the speed of play. I need to pass better and move my feet all the time to stay with the other players. i have been playing very tentatively because I'm nervous. But I'm starting to get less nervous and more comfortable, and I'm starting to play better, but I know I still have a lot of work left to do to make the team. Before practice today, Coach asked us how many of us are here. There are 32 of us left. Then, he said we still have to get down to 23 guys, so there are a lot of cuts to come. I think that comment really hit home for me. I need to show the coaches that I want to make the team and that I can help the team. Today, I practiced much better than yesterday, but I still need to concentrate and try to make smart plays every time I'm on the ice. I know I have the ability to make the team, but I need to show the coaches. I don't want to be one of the players cut.

One More Day

I'm exhausted. I am still working my butt off, and I can't wait to get out on the ice. Hell Week is really hard, but I think we will see the benefits of it when we get back on the ice. Today was one of the hardest days, and tomorrow, we have a workout at 5:30 in the morning. It'll feel really good when it's over, and then we can start skating. Finally! I might have forgotten how to hold a hockey stick, but I think it will come back pretty quickly. For now, I'm gonna rest up for tomorrow. Can't wait for the weekend, though.