Blog Coming Together

I must admit that I'm really happy with how this blog is coming together...It's like my little sanctuary. I spend almost as much time on this as I do on my facebook. And that's a lot of time... It's almost like Tom Riddle's diary in Harry Potter...I post my entries, and people come back with helpful support! I hope it doesn't turn against me like in Harry Potter... But in all seriousness, the support I get from people really helps, and this blog helps me realize how many people care about what I'm doing and how I'm doing. I don't mean to be a Negative Nancy all the time, but this process is pretty stressful sometimes, and it always helps to hear some positive encouragement from friends and family. And sorry about my Harry Potter references...I read all 7 books again this summer and had to throw that in there.

Losing This Mental Battle

It's pretty hard to stay positive right now. I'm working so hard, but my mind is starting to have negative thoughts creep in. Sitting here in Bismarck while the rest of the team is on the road is so frustrating. Negative thoughts start to accumulate and get worse and worse once I let one bad one in. I'm the kind of kid who really doesn't like to show that I'm unhappy or upset about something, I sort of just try to let myself take care of it and make things better. I don't like to tell people or talk to people about it because that's the way I am. I've always been like that. (Haha, I guess this blog changes that because now I'm making my emotions public...) But I don't even feel like a Bobcat.

I want to get out on the ice and change that. And I want to know what I need to do to change that. I've been making strides here in the last few weeks, gaining confidence. Then, I get told to stay in Bismarck while the team goes on this road trip... There are just so many mental ups and downs that are hard to get through in this process. I'm learning a lot about myself. But this isn't high school hockey anymore. No one's going to baby me through this, hold my hand and tell me straight up, "You know, we think you're a really great player, and we think you're going to be our best defenseman." I have to figure out how to push out the negatives and focus on my goals. I need to keep getting better, keep working as hard as I have been, and not let these mental hiccups get me down because I know there will be a lot more as the season progresses.

Just Some Thoughts...

I'm a little disgruntled with being the #8 defenseman on the team, to say the least. I'm an ultra-competitive person, and I like to be the best at everything I do. When I'm not the best, it really bothers me, and I work hard to become the best if it really matters to me. I've become sort of obsessed with getting better lately. I've been on the ice and at the gym every day this week and last week. I don't like being looked at like I'm just a practice guy or feeling like people are looking at me differently because I'm just a practice guy, I don't like being just the water bottle guy or the stat guy, and I don't like being the guy left behind on road trips. I want to be the guy. I want to be the best defenseman on the team. And I think I can be. I have all the tools to get me there, plus the intangibles that not a lot of guys have. It's a good thing that I'm unhappy with my situation right now because that's what's driving me to get better. I don't want to get complacent or lazy or even let the fact that I'm not OK with not playing show. I'm just going to keep doing things the way I have been because I think, eventually, my hard work and positive attitude will pay off.

A lot of the books I've been reading have highlighted the importance of setting goals for yourself. I want to be playing by November. If I keep working as hard as I have been and pushing myself to get better every day, I don't think I'll have a problem with achieving that goal. I just have to stay positive and stay ahead on the mental battle.

Bummer

Well, I just found out I won't be going on the trip this weekend. Kind of a bummer, but I have to go with it and find the positives in it. I think the owner is trying to cut down on expenses, so the team is only taking 23 players. It's hard to have to deal with this because I don't even feel like a part of the team. They will be gone for 4 days, and I'll be in Bismarck with a few other kids. But I think I will get to skate and work out, so at least I won't be sitting around, doing nothing. I have to stay positive and keep working hard to crack the roster here in the next few weeks. When the team gets back, I'm going to go in and talk to Coach and find out more about how I'm doing and what else I need to be doing to play.

3 Game Weekend

This weekend, we are playing Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. We play in Austin, Minnesota Friday and Saturday. And then we head to Owatonna, Minnesota for a game on Sunday. We haven't seen either of these teams yet, so it should be an exciting weekend and a big test for our team. We're leaving at 7 AM tomorrow. I don't know whether I'll play or not, but I'm still being patient and just trying to soak in as much as I can before I get my chance. I've learned a lot from just watching these games, and I'll stay positive even if I don't get called upon this weekend.

Finding a Rhythm

Today, I showed up at the rink ready to work, just like always. I stickhandled, then went on the ice at about 9. I actually like being out on the ice all alone. It's a cool feeling when I'm out there by myself. It feels like there are thousands of people watching in the empty seats, but really no one's watching, and I can just do work. I push myself in the drills I do by myself, but I don't tire myself out because there is a full length practice afterwards. But I get a sweat going, warm my hands up, and warm my mind up. I've started to get into a rhythm, and I think going out on the ice early really gets me ready to practice and practice well. I think people respect how hard I'm working. They see me get better every day, and I think it makes them want to work hard with me. It feels really good to work hard and feel results, but it also feels good to have other people notice how hard I work and see a difference. I had another solid practice today. I'm getting so much better it's scary. Not only am I getting better physically, but I'm also getting stronger mentally. I really believe I can play Division I hockey, and I'm not worried about every little mistake I make anymore. Before I was worried about what people would think of me as a person because of the mistakes I made on the ice. It was silly, but the way I am, I just think about little things like that. And as hard as it is to talk to friends in college and hear what they're going through, I know I chose this path, and I know this is what I want to be doing. I mean, I get to play hockey 3 hours a day!

After practice, Coach skated us for 15 or 20 minutes because we were very undisciplined and took 23 penalties in 2 games this weekend. I've bagged more times here in a month than I think I ever have. But, like I said, working hard is fun. One of the guys said today during the stretch after the skate, "It's gonna be a long nap today. Probably 3, 4 hours..." I kind of thought to myself, "Eh, that'd be nice; I should do that." Then, I decided I wanted to go work hard some more instead, so I went and worked out. I also went to the office after practice and talked to Coach Gill because Coach Sedevie wasn't there. I asked him how he thinks I'm doing, and he smiled like he thought I already knew the answer. He said, "Good. Just keep doing what you're doing. We're noticing."

Things Already Getting Better

I'm really starting to get better. It's pretty cool when I can tell myself that I've gotten better even just in the last week. A few kids on the team have told me how much better they think I've gotten already, and this is just helping me get more confident. One of the vets came up to me after our scrimmage today and said, "Connor, you were just a point machine out there today." I've been the hardest worker on the team, and it's showing, and I think the coaches are noticing. I go to the rink at 8:30 every day and stick handle for 15 minutes, then I go on the ice as early as I can, usually around 9:10 or 9:15, and work on drills by myself. At 9:45 practice starts and we go until about 11:30 or 12 every day. And then I stay on the ice for about a half hour afterwards, sometimes longer. Then, I go to the weight room, even when we don't have our normal workouts, which are on Monday and Wednesday. I told one of the vets I weigh 219 pounds now, and he was shocked. He said, "You know what you should do? Go to the weight room every day after practice. It will be unreal what happens to you if you start working out hard every day, especially with how much you eat." And yes, I've already made a reputation for myself here in North Dakota with eating, just like I did in Colorado. I'm really excited about how much progress I've made, though. And I think people are pretty amazed at the difference they've seen in me too. It's only been a month. There is still a long time to go this season, and I know I will just continue to get better.

On another note, I saw "The Social Network" last night and saw that Mark Zuckerberg, the inventor of facebook, blogged when he was in college, inventing facebook. Now he's a billionaire, the youngest in the world. I'm blogging too, and who knows...maybe I'll end up a billionaire too. Haha let's hope so! Somehow, I have to get over a million people following my blog as fervently as people in the world use facebook... Let's see, I think I'm at 18 followers now. Long way to go. But I do think it's pretty cool that I'm blogging about my experience because it'll be really awesome to look back on this and see how far I've come. I really recommend seeing "The Social Network," too. It's a fascinating and inspiring story.