Looking Back on the Past Few Months and Looking Forward to the Summer

What a whirlwind. One minute, I think for sure I'm heading off to Middlebury for college, and the next, I realize my dream and decide to take a completely different path. You can imagine how hard of a choice it was for me, but in the end, I know it is the right path for me to take. I need to see for myself what I can do when I focus completely, 100% on the sport I love. I've never given myself an opportunity to do so, and people have told me that the sky is the limit for what I can do with hockey. It hasn't hurt that I've put myself in a very good position to succeed with what I've done off the ice as well. I take pride in the fact that the past 4 years of my life haven't been dedicated to hockey because I've been able to do so many awesome things with my life that some hockey players miss out on. Now, though, it's time for me to focus on hockey. I'm starting to really believe in myself after seeing that I can play with some of the best kids in the country. I have a little catching up to do, but I'm up for the task, and I've never been more hungry for a challenge.

After both of these tryouts, I can finally take a deep breath. With graduation and everything leading up to these tryouts, I never really had a chance to catch my breath, but now I can look back on all I've gone through in such a short amount of time. My life changed before me in a blur. Everyone who knows me remembers how excited I was to be going to Middlebury. It was the only place I wanted to go for college, in fact, the only school I applied to. Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket. Something serious was going to have to happen to persuade me not to go to Middlebury to play hockey. And it did. Looking back, I'm very surprised that I decided to defer from Middlebury, and I don't think I am the only person who was surprised with my decision, although I, myself, may have been the most surprised out of anybody. I'm the kind of person who doesn't change his mind very easily, and Middlebury seemed like a perfect fit for me. Turns out, it wasn't. I had to look very deep within myself to realize that my dream has always been to play Division I college hockey, and I can't thank Jason enough for seeing that hunger, that drive to be the best I can be in me, and helping persuade me to give my hockey career a chance.

I keep saying that deferring from Middlebury was a hard decision. And it was the hardest decision I have ever made. Looking back, though, once I got a taste of hockey at a high level, once I saw the kids on the Indiana Ice and how good they were, how committed they were, and how serious they were about hockey, I knew that I wanted to be a hockey player. My mom called me after my first practice with the Ice back in March and asked, "So is that something you think you wanna do?" I remember saying matter-of-factly, "Yes." The hard part was not deciding, but going through with the whole process of deferring. It made me grow up, and now I know I am stronger for what I've gone through, stronger for actually realizing what my dream was before it was too late. A lot of kids just let their dreams go by the wayside because it becomes too hard, or takes up too much time to be a rockstar or an actor, but I couldn't be happier that I'm at least giving my dream a shot. I even thought that it was too late to follow my dream. I told Jason I thought so. But after going to these tryouts in the last few weeks, I am confident that I can catch up and maybe even surpass these kids with my abilities if I put in the work. I'm not that far behind, and I may actually be ahead already because of what I've done off the ice...

For now, I only have one thing to worry about this summer: getting ready for next year. I am going to work as hard as possible to make myself the best I can be before the start of the season this fall. I've set up a shooting range in my garage, and I will continue to work out at Dogma as hard as I can to make sure that I can be a difference-maker on whatever team I am on next year. I keep saying "whatever team I am on" because I'm wary about telling myself I will be on the Bobcats. I want to put in the work just like all the other kids before main camp in August to give myself the best chance to make the team. Nothing is guaranteed.

However unusual the path I am taking is, or however offended some people were that I have decided to do what I'm doing, I know it is the right choice for me, and that's the most important thing. It came down to the fact that I didn't want to sit around as an old fart and wonder if I could have gone further with my hockey career. Now, I am taking risks so I can know that I didn't sell myself short. Now, it's just a matter of me putting in the effort, and I have no doubt that I will do what it takes for me to succeed.

Thoughts after the Indiana tryout...

I overachieved during the weekend. People were surprised at the strides I had made over the past few months, and I made myself noticed again with my passing, positioning, and smart, solid play. At times, I made mistakes, but the feedback that I got from coaches was that they were mistakes that were easy to correct. Coach Lutsch, the recruiting guy at Indiana, told me that the coaches of the Ice were shocked at how much I had improved since the last time they saw me. I am a fast learner after all, and once I set my mind to getting better, I get better with hard work and self discipline.

Every time I stepped on the ice, I got better and more comfortable with the speed of play at the camp. The coaches recognized my hard work and my passing ability and they awarded me by giving me a spot in the all-star game on Sunday. I was happy with myself. I had made the cut down to the last 40-45 players and those were good odds to make the final 30 man roster posted on Sunday after the all-star game. I played in the game, but unfortunately did not play very well. We were all in full Indiana Ice gear: jerseys and socks and it felt like an actual game. I had to rotate in with two other defensemen so I didn't get much playing time, and it was hard for me to get into a rhythm throughout the game, but it was good for me to play in that game, as it was the highest level I've ever played at. I had never had to battle like I did in that game, and overall it was a great experience for me. I did not make the 30 man roster, but I felt like I gained some respect throughout the weekend, if nothing else.

The weekend was an awesome experience for me. I played the best hockey I've ever played, and I showed people what I was made of, or at least gave them a hint of the potential I have to become even better. I got better every game, and I know I will only continue to get better as I work on the things I need to work on. There were a lot of college coaches at the camp, and it didn't hurt to have Jason there whispering in the scouts' ears for me, but I think I would've turned heads even if I didn't have someone there talking to people about me. I played well during the weekend, considering that was the first time I had played at such a high level. Even though I did not make the team, it was an awesome weekend for me: I got some good exposure with coaches at schools like Harvard and Yale and others, I gained confidence in the fact that now I know I can play with these kids, if not this year then certainly next year, and I gave a sneak preview of the kind of potential I have to become a hockey player. I turned some heads and now I know that people will be watching me next year in the NAHL, which is probably a better fit for me next year. Playing in the USHL might be a bit of a stretch for me, but I now know that I can excel in the NAHL if I put the work in to make myself better.

Thoughts before the Indiana tryout...

I had no expectations for myself coming into the tryout, and to be honest, I don't think anyone else expected anything from me either. Of course I wanted to do well and show people I could play, but the USHL is just at a whole other level than what I'm used to, and I was not sure I could play at that high of a level. I didn't know what to expect from the weekend; I knew I was in a good spot because the guy I knew at Indiana would help me out over the weekend, and Jason came down from Detroit to help me out during the weekend also. I wasn't really a player the Ice were interested in, and the reason for going to the main camp of the Ice wasn't to make the team but to make myself more confident and get some needed exposure. So I was in a position of no pressure: I already had a tender with Bismarck, and I was just a high school kid, coming out to show how I could play hockey. The Ice coaches and staff didn't really expect much from me as I wasn't a top recruit, but I came ready to compete. I didn't want to embarrass myself.

Again, I walked through the doors to the ice rink and saw a lot of AAA hockey players. They all knew each other, had seen each other at various tournaments throughout the year. I stood in line for the off-ice testing very quietly, thinking about what I had to do in the upcoming weekend. I was nervous and anxious, but mostly calm as I really had nothing to worry about. I got into the coaches' room and they measured my height and weight. They were pleasantly surprised with my weight (206 lbs.) and my height (6'4") and they all remembered me from when I came to skate with them in March. I didn't skate very well back in March because it was hard to come into a team's practice and get noticed in a good way. The drills were unusual to me and the level was way higher than what I was used to. The coaches noticed I wasn't ready for the USHL yet, and I could tell when I saw them in the coaches' room that they still felt the same way. There were other kids that they were more interested in, that they had more expectations for.

Still, I had a feeling that I could prove people wrong and turn some heads at this camp.

Thoughts after the Bismarck tryout in Denver...

I can hang with all these guys. I walked into the locker room before my first game and saw AAA warm-up suits and hockey bags. I was just a high school hockey kid, and people scoffed at me when I told them I had played high school in Colorado the past 4 years. I proved them wrong though. Even though most of the AAA kids play 100 games a year, or however many they play, I hung with them and got more confident as the weekend went on. I established myself as one of the best defenseman at the camp with my size, passing, and ability to see the ice. I became more physical every game and played to my strengths.

The coaches were impressed with me, and they told me they were excited to work with me over the next few years. I can't wait to become better. It seemed like I got better every time I stepped on the ice, and I know I will continue to get better because I will put the work in to become better. I showed them my potential and surprised the AAA kids with my hockey skills. I think there will be more surprises next year when I bust onto the scene.

Playing at the Bismarck camp made me even more hungry. I saw a level that I have never played at, and it made me want to play at a high level even more. Being able to play with the kids at that camp and impressing the Bismarck coaches put more confidence in me. Now, I believe strongly that I can play and make a difference in the NAHL or wherever I play next year.

Thoughts before the Bismarck tryout in Denver...

I was nervous. I told my mom that I didn't want to let any of the people down that had put their word on the line for me. I hadn't even met the coaches of Bismarck before the tryout, and I knew they were expecting big things from me. Still, at the same time, I felt like I was in a position of no pressure. I was just a high school kid coming into the tryout to show the coaches how I could play hockey. I just had to play to my strengths and not try to do too much, and I would be fine. I walked through the door at the ice rink and met the coaches. Immediately, they seemed very excited about me. They said they knew that I needed a lot of coaching, but they were confident that I could become a good hockey player if I put in the work. It was up to me, however, to decide how much work I wanted to put in, and I would only go as far as my work ethic takes me.

Here is what I wrote in my journal before the tryout:
Today, I finally get to prove myself. I am going to show that I deserve to be a Bobcat. Every shift, I am going to leave it on the ice, make a smart play, and play within myself. I am confident in my abilities and confident in the fact that I can make this team. I will make my presence known when I'm on the ice--physically, offensively, defensively, with my hockey sense...
I WANT TO BE A BOBCAT
You will do great. You can be the best one there. SHOW IT. MAKE IT HAPPEN. No one has worked as hard as you. Work for it.

Putting in the work

I quit track this past year, my last sports season at BMHS. If I had competed, I would have been a 4-year, 3-sport athlete, but i decided against it in my senior year. I realized that hockey was more important to me, and running 800 meters around a track like I had the past 3 years doesn't really help someone gain muscle weight, which I had to do before my upcoming hockey tryouts. I told my parents I wanted to get a trainer, and they helped me get one almost immediately. They have said they will do anything for me to help me reach my goal, and I couldn't do what I'm doing without such supporting parents.

In March, I started doing hockey-specific workouts 4 times a week. I was on this rigorous training schedule with hardcore workouts for about 8 weeks before my tryouts in May and June. It was unlike anything I had ever done. I thought waking up in the morning at 7 to work out with the Battle Mountain team was hard, but the trainers at Dogma Athletica in Edwards have made me think twice. I did two running workouts, one strength-specific, and one movement-specific workout each week for the 8 weeks before my tryouts. At times, I felt like LaDainian Tomlinson or something, but I know I'm not anywhere near that level of athlete yet. It really helped me become more of an athlete and realize what kind of hard work is in front of me, though, as I will likely go through even harder workouts coming up. Working out at Dogma has made me much stronger; I've already gained about 5 pounds since starting my workouts, and I've gained much more confidence in myself as an athlete.

Before starting my work outs, I was already a big boy. I just needed some direction and help in pushing myself to the limit to become a better hockey player. Dogma has been the perfect place for me, and I will likely continue to work out there during the summer months.

Unfulfilled Longings

"Most of our longings go unfulfilled. This is the world's implication -- a desire for something lost or fled or otherwise out of reach." -a quote from Mr. Loetscher's English class

Most of our longings go unfulfilled. "Longings" is not the key word for me in this quote. Most of our longings go unfulfilled, but not mine. I almost let them go unfulfilled though. For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to play hockey, watch hockey, be a hockey player. There's a difference between playing hockey and being a hockey player. For too long, I have not given myself an opportunity to be the best I can be at what I want to do. It amazes me that I've been given the opportunity to do what I want to do after years of wondering whether or not I could do it. I've realized now that I want this more than anything.

It's almost like it's destiny. All my hard work in school, outside of school, and my good character has given me a chance to succeed at hockey. It's not every day that a 6'4", 200 pound defenseman who is smart, athletic, and has good character comes along. Coaches have realized that and they've given me a chance to succeed even though they haven't seen me play once.

I'm a competitor. That's what makes me stand out. I hate to lose, and I'll do anything to make sure that I don't. I'm a team player in world full of people looking out for themselves. Maybe that is a weakness, but I think that is what makes me attractive as a recruit. When I put my mind to something, I do it. I know I'm a big fish in a small pond in the Vail Valley, but I'm a fast learner, and I'm confident that I can play hockey at the highest level I want to. Once I get some experience playing on a higher level team, I will start to develop as a player.

My longing has come partly true to this point, but I know I have a lot more work to do. I am willing to put the work in though, unlike most people. Most people don't give themselves the chance to fulfill their longings, and I'm happy that I've finally realized the right path for me to take to fulfill my dreams. Now I just have to put the work in to make it possible.