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Home for the Holidays

I got home yesterday morning. I drove from Rio Rancho and stayed a night in Buena Vista because it started snowing on me. It feels great to be home. I love seeing my family and just being home. It's nice to get away from the stresses of junior hockey for a bit. But I think I'm going to miss it too. I pulled into Edwards yesterday and had this weird feeling, like I didn't belong here anymore, like I didn't know what to do with myself without playing hockey every day. But that feeling went away pretty quick when I saw my family and friends. I can't really express how good it feels to be home after being away for so long. I've lived in a few different homes already this year, and I've been on the road for countless hours, so it feels amazing to be back at home for the holidays, with family and friends.

Less is More

The biggest lesson I learned during my weekend with the Steelheads was "less is more." My whole life I've been able to do pretty much anything I want on the ice. I could take the puck coast to coast 4, 5, or even more times than that a game. I could pull dangerous toe drags in my zone. I could get away with things that I can't get away with anymore. But now I'm learning to play the game of hockey right. I'm learning to make the smart plays, I'm learning to change my game, and become a better hockey player. I played 4 games in 4 days with the Steelheads, which I think was very good for me. I needed to get in some games and experience some game situations. I had fun playing with them, and I learned a lot. I think I made an impact in the games even though I didn't score, considering I didn't know any of their systems and had never practiced with them. I made some good plays, and I think I played pretty solidly. I got a lot of ice time too.

I think the big thing I need to take from this weekend is that I can't try to do too much. Sometimes my old game comes out of me, and I get tunnel vision and try to do too much with the puck and make a mistake. I just have to make the simple plays, smart plays, and get the puck up ice. Because that's the kind of player I am. I'm a good passer in the defensive zone, and I just need to play within myself.

One more game tomorrow, and it's a big one against the El Paso Rhinos. I need to focus on making smart plays. Less is more. I can't try to do too much. I'm liking the guys on this team a lot, and I really like the coaching. I've learned a lot just this weekend. I'm excited to play tomorrow, and I'm excited to go home for Christmas just to get away from the mental grind of juniors for a bit.

We won against the Fresno Monsters today, 4 to 1. I played a pretty solid game. I made a few mistakes, but overall played a smart game and was +1. Once or twice I tried to skate up ice with the puck, and Coach didn't like that. It was something we talked about before the game. He wants me to focus on making the smart play every time. He said to be a good defenseman you don't have to be flashy, you just have to defend and get the puck up ice. He said Nik Lidstrom is the best defenseman in the NHL because he always makes the smart play, and he never tries to beat someone one on one out of the defensive zone like I do some times. He said he's happy with the way I'm playing, but I really need to work on a few little things to improve my game.

We lost our second game tonight 3 to 1 against the Helena Bighorns from the NORPAC league. They were a good team and I think they outplayed us. I played well again. I took some risks and made a few mistakes. That's the way it goes though. You can't be perfect. I have to refocus for tomorrow's game which is another important one against the Fresno Monsters' WSHL team. I know I played well, but I want to play better and it's frustrating when I make mistakes that I can prevent. I've definitely been feeling out the level here and trying to take some risks because that's what this weekend is about: me trying to get some confidence and playing time. I played a lot and I've had a lot of fun so far here, but I need to play better the rest of the weekend.

Now I'm going to walk the strip with the team!

He wanted me to hear some positive things because he knows I've had a rough first half of the year. He knows I'm a very raw talent, but again reiterated how much potential I have with my size, grades, and character. I'm excited to play in the rest of the games this weekend because I think I will get better every game. It's pretty hard to come onto a team, not know anyone, and learn a team's systems without ever even practicing with them, but I think I did a really good job today.

I just got done with my first game with the Idaho Steelheads. There's no free internet at the hotel so I'll try to convey my feelings well enough through text. I played well. I had some good shots, made some good passes, and I think just had a solid game overall. I maybe should've scored once or twice even. I think I can still play better though. I talked to the coach here after the game and he's very impressed with me. He thinks I have a lot of potential, but the thing that he was most impressed about is the way i act: how I look at him in the eye in the locker room and just my character in general. He said I carry myself like a man, which I think a lot of kids have trouble with at this level.

Right Attitude

I'm sitting in the airport waiting for my delayed flight to Las Vegas right now, and I have a lot of things on my mind. First off, I'm really excited for this weekend. I think it's a great opportunity for me, and it can't hurt me at all. I'm going to get in some games, hopefully see a lot of ice, and play in front of a lot of Division 3 college scouts. I know it's not my goal to play Division 3, but it can't hurt to be seen by more people. After practice, Coach said to make a good team, it takes everybody making sacrifices, and he singled me out and told the team that I'm making a sacrifice and going to play for the Steelheads in Vegas this weekend. I don't know if I would call it a sacrifice, but I definitely think I have the right attitude about the position I'm in right now. Another kid on the Mustangs was being sent down to play for Boise, and he sort of had a negative attitude about the whole thing. Today, he told me he wasn't going. And next thing I know, he's cut. It's pretty obvious the coaches don't like to hear kids complaining.

Coach talked to me after practice and said the kids who have done what he's asked have flourished, and the kids who have negative attitudes are probably gone. He sent another kid down to a WSHL team earlier in the year, and now he's back on the Mustangs playing on the first line. I have to look at this as an opportunity for me. He said if he didn't care about me, he would bring me to Topeka and have me sit in the stands. I know he cares about me because he's opened this opportunity for me, and I think it will be good for me to get in some games, and I'll be playing on a good team. I'm excited. I have to go in there and play confident, and I know I will do great. I feel, now, like I've started to hit my groove a little more. I can feel my game starting to come out of me, and I feel more confident in myself every day. Our first game is tomorrow at 1 in the afternoon. Wish me luck this weekend, and I'll be back home in the CO in a few days!

Heading to Vegas

I think I had my best practice as a Mustang today. I was hitting people. I made good passes. I scored some goals in our three-on-three mini game. I just felt really confident out on the ice. It took a while for me to get comfortable in Bismarck too. I don't know what it is. I think my mind definitely plays tricks on itself. For some reason, I felt like I needed to be perfect when I first got here, for people to like me, for people to think I'm a good hockey player. But by trying to be perfect, I ended up making more mistakes. I'm not saying I haven't done well in the past month, but now I can feel myself getting more confident and more comfortable being here, and I can see it translate on the ice. I'm not worrying so much about making mistakes, and I'm not making as many mistakes. I'm starting to take risks, and I'm starting to do really well in practice. I still make the occasional stupid mistake, just like everyone else, but they're fewer and farther between. And now I feel like it's not such a big deal when I do make a mistake. I don't have to be perfect. I know my coaches and teammates believe in me, and I believe in myself too. I've put in the work to make myself better, and I know I can get much better still. I think Coach really believes I can get better, has seen me get better since I got here, and I think the talk I had with him the other day really infused me with more confidence. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

This weekend I'm going to Las Vegas to play for the Idaho Junior Steelheads in the WSHL Showcase. From what I've heard it's a temporary move, and it's just to get me into some games, so I can maybe play in some different situations that I haven't played in here in New Mexico yet. I'm excited about it. I need to play. And I think this weekend will definitely help me build confidence. I talked to the coach in Idaho today, and he asked me how many games I've played in this year. I said 7. He told me that it's nice to play at the highest level possible, but you also need to play, to experience game situations to get better. I agree. This weekend will be a good experience for me, and it'll give me a chance to play some games for one of the best teams in the country at the Tier III level. I'm really excited about the opportunity I have this weekend.

Break Coming Up

I will be home in less than a week. I can't wait! I'm excited for a mental, physical, and emotional break. Junior hockey is pretty exhausting in all those facets. I'm ready to see my family and friends and just be home for the holidays. At the same time, though, I'm kind of bummed I will be away from this for two weeks. I feel like I am really starting to gain confidence; I'm having a lot of fun pushing myself to the limit because I can see myself still getting better. I know it will be good to have a break, but over break I'm still going to try to skate and work out as much as I can. I think after Christmas I'm really going to start hitting my stride.

Keep Truckin'

I didn't play again last night. We lost a pretty tight game 5-3 to the Amarillo Bulls. We definitely had chances to win the game, but a few costly mistakes kept us from getting back in it. It's so hard to stay positive when I'm not playing, and I feel like I deserve to be playing, but I'm taking everything in stride and trying not to absorb any negative energy, even when there are people all around me complaining and questioning the fact that they're not playing. I think I've probably sat more games than anyone on the team this year because I sat 13 straight or something like that in Bismarck, and I think I've probably complained the least. That's just the way I am. I might be upset at myself or contemplate why I'm not playing, but I don't think I let it show, and I definitely never open my mouth to complain because that's what gets most kids in trouble. I just work hard to try to play the next weekend and try to get better. That's really all I can control: my work ethic and my attitude. Everything else, I kind of just have to go with because it's in other people's hands.

I talked to the coaches last night after I found out I was scratched. Coach told me I probably deserve to be playing more than I am because I'm right there with 2 or 3 other defensemen on the team. But they're in a numbers game right now. He told me he loves my attitude and the fact that I don't complain about not playing, like a lot of kids do, and he knows I'm working my ass off. He said he wishes he could dress more defensemen every game, but he can only dress 6. He wants me to stay positive, and he wants me to know that he hasn't given up on me. He really thinks I can be a solid defenseman for his team if someone is injured or traded. I've learned in my first few months of junior hockey that things like that can happen very fast, and I need to stay patient. I'm in a good spot. Coach knows I'm getting better; he told me he sees improvement in my footwork and confidence, he sees me scoring more in drills in practice, and, again, he told me that he didn't want me to feel like he's giving up on me. He's dropping me down to a team at the Junior Tier III level for this next weekend because they're going to be tight for numbers again next weekend in Topeka, and he wants me to play. And I want to play. I wouldn't want to drive all the way to Topeka and not get to play in any games.

I'm looking on the bright side here. I think it will be good for me to go down and get to play for one of the best teams at the Tier III level. I think it will help me with my confidence, and I think it will make me hungrier to play more with the Mustangs when I come back. Again, I'm taking everything in stride, and I'll post more about what I'm doing when I find out more about what's going on.

Can't Be Satisfied

Yesterday, we had a pregame skate at 10 in the morning. Afterwards, Coach held back a few kids who weren't playing, and we had a little extra skate. It was really tough, but I think I did well. Still, for some reason, I don't think I'm playing hockey the way I know I can. Maybe I'm not as confident as I should be, maybe I'm holding myself back mentally, or maybe it's a combination of the two. I don't know, but I know I need to start taking risks. I think the speed of play at this level has slowed down enough for me that I can start to take risks and not worry so much about making mistakes. I need to be more physical, and I need to start making plays with the puck, not always just making the safe play.

I didn't play again last night, and it was a hard game to watch from the stands because we won in overtime. Of course, I'm always cheering for us to win, but at the same time, it's difficult to watch your team win like that and not be on the ice with them. It's so frustrating. I need to really start competing for a spot on the 20-man game roster. I don't like sitting in the stands, and I'm not satisfied with it. I need to start playing my game, and I think I need to start getting mad that I'm not playing.

It's All About Attitude

One of the most important things in life is to have a good attitude. Everything is made so much easier when you have a good outlook on things. In junior hockey, new faces come and go all the time, people wear down and give up because there is a lot of stress in this business. I know what it's like to feel that stress. I feel it every day. But I've learned the importance of being a team player and the importance of always having a good attitude in the last few days. We've had some drama on our team here in the past week, which I don't want to explain because everything I write is public, but it's been a learning experience to say the least. I think I've always been a good team player, I always try to have a good attitude, and I think it's something that all my coaches in life have really appreciated.

We had individual player meetings with the coaches today, and I think mine went really well. The coaches asked me what I think I need to work on. I told them I need to work on my footwork and quickness, being more physical, using my stick better, and being less hesitant with the puck. They agreed with me and said I pretty much hit the nail on the head. I know I have a lot to work on, but the important thing is that I'm working on the things I need to. A lot of kids think they don't need to work on much, or they just don't put in the work they need to because they don't want to. I think I've made it clear with my attitude and work ethic that I want to be here, and, above all, I want to get better. I know the coaches recognize that. They told me that it's been a pleasure to have me around, and they really appreciate the attitude that I bring to the rink every day. Having said that, I need to keep my work ethic up and not be content with just being here. I have a lot of work left to do, and I don't want to be satisfied. Coach told me it's harder to play as a number 4, 5, or 6 defenseman than it is to play as a 1, 2, or 3 guy. And I've felt that too. The 1, 2, and 3 guys get a lot more leeway, whereas I'm fighting to be in the lineup every night. It's part of the deal. I have to work to move up the ladder and gain confidence in myself and gain the coaches' confidence. I have to come to practice ready to compete every day.

I know I'm getting better at the mental part of all this too. At the beginning of practice today, we were doing a drill and I made two bad passes in a row. I handled the puck, and just for an instant, I pictured myself screwing up the pass. It's weird how it actually happened after I thought about it happening. But that's the way the mind works. I made this sort of halfhearted attempt at a pass two times in a row, and I knew I screwed up. Coach blew the whistle and said, "Teddy, what are you doing?? That's an 8 foot pass! Handle the puck, and pass it like a man!!" I was determined not to screw up for a third time in a row, in front of the whole team, and I pictured myself connecting the pass. I handled the puck, and put it right on the tape of my teammate. It's a little battle that I won with my mind, but it definitely shows that I'm getting stronger where I might have cracked a few months ago, and I think Coach likes to see that sort of thing. The same thing happened a week or two ago. The puck came to me at the point in practice, and I should've shot it on net. Instead, I passed it over to my D-partner who was covered. Coach blew the whistle and said, "Why wouldn't you shoot it when he's covered??" The next time I got the puck on the point in that drill, I put my head down and fired the puck. It went in. It's all about having a good attitude.

A Few Days to Forget

We had a 17 hour bus ride from Fresno back to Rio Rancho. It was a fun bus ride, but it's tough being cooped up in a moving vehicle that long, with not much space to operate. Needless to say, I was very happy when I got off that bus. I think the whole trip kind of threw my body for a whirl. I have a lingering headache, and I'm pretty tired. But I've battled through it in these last few days of practice. On Monday, we had a practice where we did mostly hitting drills. They were tough drills, but definitely things we needed to work on, judging from the weekend. As a team, we didn't do a very good job of finishing our checks in our games against Fresno. As a team, we didn't come to practice on Monday ready to practice, either. We all looked bad, and it was really a waste of a practice. And that's no one's fault but ours. We need to come to practice ready to play every day. Coach wasn't too happy with our effort, and we paid for it today. We had an hour long bag skate. It was tough, but I think it was necessary to get ourselves back on track. We have important games coming up, and we can't be wasting days of practice.

With that said, it's time to put these two days of practice behind us and get ready for our games this weekend. With Christmas break coming up, I think it's easy to get distracted, but these 4 games we have left before break are really important, and they're against top teams in our division. I'm going to stay focused, keep working hard, and do what I can to improve these next few weeks.

Glad to Be Back

The trip to Fresno was fun, but long. And we came out of the weekend with only one point...I played pretty well, but I know I can play better, and I think I need to play better. And I think the team needs to play better. We had one good weekend, and then for some reason the switch flipped back to our losing ways. To be honest, the game on Saturday night was very sloppy, and I'm sort of glad I wasn't playing. But, still, I wanted to be out there. I think I could've helped. I was told that I didn't play because the series was going to be physical, and Coach went with someone he knows can fight. That's the way it goes. I've heard it before, but it's good to reiterate to myself. Juniors is a mind game. It really weeds out the players who don't truly love the sport. I need to stay patient and just focus on getting better every day. I think I'm doing fine, and I will get more comfortable with the speed of play every day. It's stressful not playing--no one likes it--but that's junior hockey. For now, I'm glad to be off the bus I was just on for 17 hours straight on the way back from Fresno, and I'm ready to get back to work this week.

I didn't get to play tonight, but my night was made a lot better by getting to see my brother. He drove from San Luis Obispo to see me play, but I ended up getting scratched. Of course I was a little bummed but seeing my brother made me really excited and he seemed happy just watching hockey even though I wasn't playing. We lost 6 to 1 tonight and honestly got outplayed. It was a tough loss, but I think the highlight of my trip was definitely seeing my brother. I haven't seen him in a few months and it was just refreshing to see him. I think I could've helped the team tonight but I didn't get a chance and that's just part of the deal of playing juniors. Now it's back to work and back to trying to prove myself as a good defenseman on this team.

Trip to Fresno

I think the first thing I thought when I pulled into Fresno was, "This doesn't feel like California." It really doesn't. It's not exactly a glamorous California city. But it's been a fun trip so far with the team, and I'm excited to see how the game tonight turns out. We lost 4-3 in overtime last night. It was too bad because I really think we could've beat that team, and we fought back into the game, but they still managed to beat us. We were down 3-1 heading into the third period, we came back to tie it up, our goalie stopped a penalty shot with a minute left, then they scored about 2 minutes into overtime. But I played. And that's what I'm excited about.

I wasn't going to be in the lineup, but one of our defensemen was sick, so I got put into the lineup last minute. Coach had told me he was going with another player who he knows to be a fighter because he thought this series was going to be really physical. I was pretty bummed right away. I'm excited I got to play, though, and I think I stepped in and did a pretty good job. I made some good first passes, even when I was pressured, I was +1 on the night, and I got a lot of ice time in the first and second periods. I still have yet to get going offensively, but I think that will come in time. Right now, I'm focusing on just playing solid hockey games. However, I do think I needed to compete harder last night. I'm trying to win a spot, and I really didn't do anything special last night. I understand it's not my role to score goals; I'm here to do the little things, make smart passes, and get the puck up the ice, but I did make some small mistakes last night that could've been costly. In my defense, it was a little hard for me to get into a rhythm because it seemed every time it was my turn to go on the ice, we took a penalty or drew a penalty, and I haven't been getting much penalty kill time, and no power play time. But, again, I think that will come in time as I keep getting more confident and proving myself to the coaches. I played well, but I definitely still think I can play better!

I'm excited for our game tonight, though! And then it's back to New Mexico.

Lighten Up a Little

I'm pretty hard on myself. I worry about small things a little too much, and I think that's translating into me being kind of hesitant on the ice. I'm definitely getting more comfortable and confident, but I don't think I'm playing hockey like I know I can yet. I know I've made a pretty big jump from high school hockey in Colorado to junior hockey, and I think I'm doing really well with it so far, but I think I can do even better. I still think I'm improving daily, and it's really fun to see and feel myself getting better. I don't think there is a better feeling.

The team participated in No Shave November together. It was fun, but I'm glad it's over. I realized it's a good way to be easier on myself. When I screw up in practice, I can just think, "Hey, don't worry about it. You have a mustache on your face. Lighten up." It sort of helps me laugh at myself even when I'm mad at myself for missing a pass or screwing up in a drill. I think I will probably shave it off though. I'm comfortable enough now at practice that I can shake off the mistakes that I make and learn from them. But I'll remember the mustache trick if I ever need to use it again.

We leave for Fresno, California tomorrow. We play two games against the Monsters, and it's going to be a good test for us because they aren't in our division. I'm excited for the long road trip with the team, and I think my brother's even going to try to make it to at least one of the games because he goes to school at Cal Poly in San Luis Obispo.

Good Day

I had a pretty good day of practice. I worked hard. After practice, Coach pulled me aside and showed me some drills he wants me to work on. I was gassed when I was done working with him. It made me realize how much I need to work on my agility and footwork. But I think it's a good thing he's taking time to work with me. I'm going to keep working on the things he showed me over the next few weeks.

I just got done with my second rookie dinner of the year. This one was fun, just like Bismarck's, but it was also much cheaper, which I liked. It only cost me 6 bucks because there are only 4 vets here. But it was fun to go to dinner with the guys--er, I don't know if I can call them that because we all had to dress up like girls--but either way it was fun. There was a fashion show during halftime of the Monday Night Football game, which I didn't win, and I'm happy I didn't win. I take pride in the fact that I don't actually look like a girl when I'm dressed up as one.

But I'm excited to get on the ice again tomorrow. I'm definitely starting to get in a rhythm, and I think it's showing that I'm getting more confident even though I know I still have a lot to work on.

Control What You Can Control

I didn't play again tonight. We won 8-6 in a pretty wild game. I figured I wasn't going to play again tonight because we won last night, and I didn't think the lineup would change because of that. Still, I was sort of hoping I would. I had my grandparents, parents, and sister here to watch me, and I'm a little bummed I didn't play while they were here. But at the same time, I want to play because I deserve to play, not just because I want to play. They loved being here to see me over Thanksgiving, and it would have been a bonus for them to see me play, but now I have to work this week to try to earn a spot. I'm happy I got to see them, but now I'm ready to get back to work and focus on just hockey.

It is always hard to be a scratch. No one likes it, especially when your team wins. Watching your team win is a little harder than watching your team lose. Of course I'm happy the team won these two games, but it's just natural to wish that I was out there with them. It's definitely hard to prepare to play in games and then hear that you're not playing. It's a major letdown, but that's why I'm going to learn a lesson from this weekend. I want to have a really good week of practice and prove that I can help this team.

I read a book called The Fearless Mind by Craig Manning to sort of help me out with the mental side of all this, and it actually helps a lot. It says, "When we delve into other people's business excessively, we open the door to irrelevant stimuli that only serve to lower our ability to function in productive, efficient ways. This energy would be far better channeled into what we can do to improve our performance...we can only be responsible for what we have control over." I have to only worry about the things I can control. I'm ready to put this weekend behind me and have a good week of practice this week.

Learning Every Day

I didn't play last night for the military appreciation night. We had camouflage jerseys on, and it was a pretty cool deal. After the game was over, all the game-worn jerseys were auctioned off and all the proceeds went to the Wounded Warrior Foundation. I think we raised about 5,000 dollars, maybe more, because most of the jerseys went for about 300 dollars. One jersey went for $550, but mine only went for $210. But I did get a jersey, which is exciting, and it had my name on it too. We ended up winning the game 4-3. It was a really good game, where I think we had the majority of the chances. It looked like we were going to have another game that we outplay the other team in and lose, but in the 3rd period, we scored 3 goals to win the game 4-3. We never gave up; I just wish I was out there.

But even when I'm not out there, I'm trying to take away as much as I can from the game. I try to put myself in other players' situations, and think about what I would do differently or the same as them, and I try to see what others do wrong, so if I get in the same situation, I can make the right play. I don't pout about not playing because I know it's part of junior hockey to sit out some games, but at the same time, it makes me want to work harder to make Coach want to play me every game.

I have a lot to be thankful for today. And I'm going to enjoy today with my family, eat a lot of food, and then start preparing myself for the games this weekend. I'm excited.

Learning to Battle

Today was a really fun day of practice. We did a lot of battle drills, with one-on-one, two-on-two, and three-on-three competitions. I love these days because every drill keeps me on my toes. And every drill, I have to give it my all or risk being embarrassed in front of the whole team. I think you really see who the competitors are on days like this. I'm learning to battle like I've never had to in my whole hockey career. It's really fun to get out there and compete against my teammates because it gets me ready for game situations, where I have to battle for every inch and for every puck. These days are also good because they bring the team together. We're out there competing against each other, but it's a lot of fun to have competitions between the forwards and defensemen, which, of course, the D-men always win. Defensemen are the better, smarter hockey players after all.

My family's coming into town tonight for Thanksgiving. It should be really fun to see my sister, parents, and grandparents and it should be even more fun to play in front of them. We play the Wichita Falls Wildcats this weekend, and it's our military appreciation weekend, so we're wearing special camouflage uniforms that will be auctioned off after the game on Saturday night. I'm going to try to be a tour guide for my family this weekend, but I'm still pretty new to the area also, so I'll do my best.

On a side note, I got featured in an article here in the local newspaper. The link to it is: http://www.rrobserver.com/sports/article_b78d57fa-f78f-11df-8b60-001cc4c03286.html

After our last game against Corpus Christi, as I was walking into the locker room, a newspaper guy asked me if I was Connor Tedstrom and if he could use some of my blog in an article. I said, "Yeah, sure." I think it's pretty cool. It can't hurt to have people know what I'm going through and to separate myself from that "dumb hockey player" stereotype.

Back At It

We had 3 days off since our last game. The days went by really fast, but it was a good break. I got to see my parents and show them around a little bit on Friday and Saturday. And it was really fun getting to play in front of them and have them meet all the guys on the team after the game. I got to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, which I've been dying to see for months, we did some community service on Saturday for the food drive here in town, and I got to hang out with some of the guys on Sunday and Monday. I didn't really take the days completely off because I still went to the gym with Zach, but I think it was a good break, and now I'm ready to get back on the ice today.

Can't Buy a Win, But We Gotta Believe

I can't tell you how happy I am that I came here from Bismarck. I believe in myself more and more every day, I believe in the coach here, and I believe in my teammates playing beside me. We dropped another 2-1 game to Corpus Christi, but our effort was there, our hearts were really in it, and I think everyone watching could tell that we wanted so badly to win these games this weekend. We ran into a hot goalie, and the puck just didn't bounce our way. We had so many more chances than the Ice Rays; to be honest, I can't believe we only scored 1 goal in both games. Personally, I thought I played really well tonight. I didn't do anything unbelievable, but I just played a solid game. I made some good, patient passes in our defensive zone, I played with confidence and stood up when I needed to, and I stayed positive and vocal on the bench even when my name wasn't called. I have to remember what this feels like because if I can approach every game the way I approached the game tonight, I know good things will happen for me. I tried not to put too much pressure on myself. I kept reminding myself that I belong here, and that the kids I am playing against are just that: kids, just like me. They're no better than me just because they've played AAA hockey their whole lives. They're no better than me because I only played high school hockey in Colorado for 4 years. I know I can be a great player when I don't let my mind tell me otherwise. I'm tired of holding myself back mentally when I know what I can do on the ice. I'm getting better every day, and I want to be the best I can be for myself and for this team, but it comes down to believing in myself. It's hard at times, but I'm figuring it out.

Tonight, I didn't hold back at all. Like I said, I think I played a solid game. I had fun, and I didn't worry about making mistakes. I was confident in what I had to do, and I don't think I hesitated when I had to make a quick decision. It's a bummer that the end result was not what we were looking for, but we're so close, and we have to stay patient and believe in ourselves. Things will turn around if we stay true to the team.

After the game, Coach came into the locker room and gave a speech that I don't think I'll ever forget. He came in and told us not to hang our heads. We skated our asses off tonight, and that's all he can ask for. He told us about his juniors team, which had a 4 game road trip, and lost by a differential of 42 goals. Then, after Christmas, they went on a roll. He said what we're going through is not bad. At least we are giving our best every night, and that's all he wants us to do. We can't give up on ourselves or each other; we have to stay patient and believe in our systems and our coaches to help us get better every day. He said we are getting better every time we step on the ice, and we have to believe we can turn our season around if we persevere. He told us about his 17 surgeries in his playing days, and how he never, ever gave up, even when he wasn't half the player he was when he started. We are all young, and we have so much to look forward to in our lives and our hockey careers, but we have to believe in ourselves. He told us that he believes in us, that he turned down other jobs because he believes in us and this organization, and that he will not quit on us if we don't quit on ourselves. We're a team, and we're going to get through these hard times with hard work and a strong belief.

The talk after the game really inspired me. It made me want to put it on the line for this coach, for this organization, and for my teammates. I'm going to continue working as hard as I can to be the best hockey player I can be because I believe in myself, and I believe in where I'm headed.

It Takes a Team

Tough loss last night. We lost 2-1. We played hard, but the bottom line is that we didn't get it done, and it was a must-win game. Something's not there, but I can't put my finger on what it is. I feel like we have all the ingredients for a good team: strong, vocal leaders, fast, skilled forwards, smart defensemen, pretty physical players, hard workers. It doesn't matter, though, what kind of players there are on a team if we can't win games. I can tell that everyone wants to win, but we're just not doing everything it takes to win a hockey game. I really feel like we were the better team last night, but there were a few, small mental mistakes that they turned into goals, one of them was partly my fault, and we couldn't bury our chances. I don't know exactly what we have to do to break through, but I can tell that we're so close to being a good team. I thought I played pretty well last night—a little hesitant still at times—but I don't think that matters when the team doesn't get the W. I made some good plays, and I made some mistakes; I should've stepped up and played the body one time, and it cost us a penalty. I wish I could've done more to help the team get a win. We hear it all the time: team success brings about individual success. More college scouts will be around if we start winning games. It takes a team, though. We win and lose as a team. But it's definitely more fun when the team is winning. We need to have a winning mentality as a team.

Think Like You're the Best and You Will Be

Tomorrow night is the first game in a two game home set against the Corpus Christi Ice Rays. I haven't played at home yet, so I'm very excited, and my parents are making the trip down on Friday. We're excited as a team to try and get off the losing side of games; if we win both games this weekend, we will be in front of Corpus Christi in the standings. That's the motivation for this weekend. Personally, I'm just excited to prove myself. I kind of had a letdown last weekend when I got kicked out of the only game I played in, but I'm ready to come out and show that I can play and make an impact this weekend. I've had a pretty good week of practice, and I'm just excited to get back out on the ice. Every shift matters at this level, and I'm ready to focus on every little play I make this weekend. I know when I get in the zone and play with confidence, I can make great plays, but I have to play smart every time I step on the ice.

Last weekend, I read a quote by Jim Harbaugh when I was reading a Sports Illustrated article on the two brothers, John and Jim Harbaugh, who are both very successful football coaches. Jim always asks his players what they think it takes to succeed at the next level. His players usually answer with things like "hard work" and "talent." But he thinks a lot of people are talented, and a lot of people work hard. He says, "The one thing you have to do to make an NFL team is take another man's job away from him. And those men really like those jobs." It's a pretty inspirational article, and I could definitely relate to it because I think my relationship with my brother is similar to Jim and John Harbaugh's. I need to start playing like I'm better than people. Because I know I can be. But I feel like I'm just too nice sometimes. Especially coming onto a new team, it's hard to break onto the team and gain the coach's confidence right away. And I feel like I've subconsciously accepted that I'm the new guy, and it might take a while for me to be that top defenseman that I think I can be. Well, that's not the right attitude to have. I have to think like I'm the best to play like I'm the best. And I'm going to work on that starting ASAP.

That's Junior Hockey For Ya

Here are my past 3 weekends: 1.) Leave Bismarck, drive 18 hours to get to Rio Rancho, New Mexico, 2.) Leave Rio Rancho, drive 12 hours to get to Frisco, Texas, take on the Texas Tornado in a two game set, get on the bus, drive 12 hours back to Rio Rancho, 3.) Leave Rio Rancho, drive 14 hours to Topeka, Kansas, take on the Topeka Roadrunners in a two game set, but I really didn't play a whole game, get on the bus, drive 15 hours back to Rio Rancho. That's a lot of time on the road, but I love it! And there has been a lot going on other than the weekends! It feels like I've been here in Rio Rancho for maybe 3 days, but I've already been here almost 3 weeks! There's a new challenge every day, and every day seems to fly by. I'm really learning the importance of taking care of my body because I put it under a lot of pressure every week: practices every day, workouts 3 times a week, and 2 games a weekend can be very tiring, especially when the road trips are so long. I will already be going home for Christmas in a month...can't believe it.

A lot has happened since the season started, and I can't wait to see what happens the rest of the season. I can feel that I am getting better, but, really, I have yet to prove myself. I'm still very driven. I'm not going to let a sense of entitlement creep in now that I've started playing. I've only played in 3 games in the NAHL. Well, 4 if I count the one game I played in Bismarck...But I'm so hungry to prove that I can play. I don't know how many people could actually survive what I'm doing mentally or physically. It's definitely a lot to handle, but I love it so far, and I know it will just continue to go by fast. I only have one year left after this year because I'm a '91 birth year. One of the vets I have a lot of respect for here in New Mexico said in a team meeting last week, "We're doing something that like 800 other kids in the country are doing. You don't get games back after you play them. We have to realize that this experience doesn't last forever, I mean this is my last year." He said, "We're missing out on other things in life right now, but I'm fine with that because I'm chasing my dream." And that's what I'm doing. Chasing my dream. I have a lot of time left to prove myself, almost a year and a half, but I think I need to start playing with the kind of passion that our vets play with, like it's their last game every game. I need to stop being afraid and just play. I feel like I am starting to play my game more and more every day. I'm getting more comfortable. I realize it's a process, though, and I have to be patient. It'll come in time; I can feel it coming. Every day is about getting better and proving yourself at this level, and I'm pushing myself as hard as I can.

Good Learning Experience, Not a Good Weekend

The drive to Topeka is like 13 hours. I'm not sure how long it really is because I was sleeping or in my bunk for the majority of the time. I had a lot of time to think about the weekend on the way there, and I was so ready to play well in the two games. I ended up not playing on Friday, and on Saturday, I was ejected from the game in the first period. Towards the end of the first period on Saturday, there was a scrum in front of our net after our goalie covered the puck. A few fights broke out, and I got in the middle of things a little bit. Then, I saw my teammate on the ice getting punched by a Topeka player. He had his jersey pulled over his head, so I went in to pull the Topeka player off of him because the refs weren't doing anything about it, and I wasn't going to let him punch my teammate who was pretty defenseless at this point. I didn't have any idea it was something I was going to get ejected for, or I would've thrown a few punches myself. I went back to the bench after the refs broke everything up. Then, all of a sudden, the refs put another goal on the scoreboard for Topeka, making it 2-0, and I was told that I was being ejected from the game for being the 3rd man into a fight. It was a load of crap, honestly, because the puck didn't go in the net from what I could tell, and I was standing pretty much in the crease, and because I didn't even throw any punches and I was ejected from the game. I was just trying to protect my teammate.

I thought I was playing really well up until my game ejection, so it really sucks that I was kicked out. I was playing with confidence, and I could tell I was going to have a very good game. But then it got cut short. I guess it's part of the game, though. The 3rd man into a fight always gets a penalty, but it was something I had to do. I was in the locker room and Coach told me, "Teddy, I know it sucks, but you did the right thing. Sometimes stuff like that happens." On the bench, the assistant coach was telling me that I should've gone in earlier, and as long as I was getting a game ejection, I should've broken the kid's nose. Well, I didn't know I was going to get ejected. But now I know that's what happens to the 3rd man in. And now I know the next time something like that happens to one of my teammates, I'm going to do things differently, and maybe break a few bones. It just sucks really bad because I thought I could've helped the team last night, and I only got to play 4 shifts all weekend. And it sucks even more that the team went 0-2. I spent a lot of time preparing myself to play my best on Friday and Saturday, and I ended up having one of the shortest games of my life. I guess there's some more motivation to have a stellar week this week in practice and to have an awesome weekend next weekend.

We ended up losing 6-3. It made the bus ride home that much longer. And it was already a long one for me because I had another 13, 14 hours to think about what I should've done differently, what I could've done in the game if I didn't get ejected, and what I will do next weekend. The team is so close to winning some games. I can feel it. We put forth a lot of effort; we just have some mental lapses, like right after the other team scores. And that should be the time where we're the strongest. I think we can turn things around, but we need to play a full 60 minutes. I'm going to try to have the best week of practice of my life this week because I want to get out on the ice so much more after this weekend.

It's always hard to sit out and watch your team play. But on the bright side I've already played more here than I did in Bismarck; Coach asked Zach and I how many games we played in Bismarck jokingly after he talked to us when we found out we were scratched. I know we're in a better situation here. I've already learned more in 2 weeks. I'm going to refocus for tomorrow and come out ready to play at my best.

I'm not playing tonight. Coach just told me, but it's so much better to hear why i'm not playing. He told me that he wants me to focus on learning his systems. He said he's happy with the way i'm playing. That i'm improving every day and that i should be ready to go tomorrow night. I think it's just part of playing juniors to sit out some games.

Big Weekend

This weekend, we're headed to Topeka, Kansas to play the Topeka Roadrunners. We leave tomorrow night because it's about a 15 hour drive from here. It's a huge weekend for us because we need to get out of this rut we're in, and Topeka is another good test. I think I had a good week of practice even though it was a short week, and I'm ready for this weekend. One thing that Coach said last weekend that really struck home to me is that at this level, every shift—every play—matters. Someone will capitalize on your mistakes if you make them. And I learned that pretty firsthand last weekend in my first game as a Mustang. I made one mistake that led to a goal that was almost completely my fault. I didn't like that. I rebounded the next game and had what I thought was a really solid game. But I have to remember that I can't take any shifts off. I need to be mentally sharp all weekend. Last year, I could take some shifts off, even some games off because I was the best player on the ice every time we played. This year, though, is much different than last year, and I have to think about everything I'm doing out on the ice. I love it! It's challenging, but I'm always up for a challenge, and I can feel myself still getting better by the day. I guess the only way you learn is by making mistakes. I know I will make mistakes, but I have to be mentally sharp to try to limit my mistakes, and limit the mistakes I make to be minor mistakes. I'm excited for the challenges that are coming this weekend, and I can't wait to get out under the lights again!

Still Improving

Every day, I'm getting better. That was my goal when I chose to live this life, and I knew I could do it if I put my mind to it. I knew coming into this year that I had a lot of work to do, and that it might not be easy, but I've been committed to making myself better. I can really tell that I'm getting better every day. And when I can see myself getting better by the day, I wonder what people like my parents are going to think when they haven't seen me play in months, at least in person. I'm really excited about how much I'm improving. I love getting on the ice every day and working to become a better hockey player. Hard work really does pay off. And there's nothing more fun than seeing yourself improve in something you love. But I need to keep working because I know I can still get a lot better. Every day.

Gettin' More Comfortable

My mom was right when she told me it would be easier to become friends with all the guys on the team this time around. On the drive down here, I told her I was a little bummed I was leaving Bismarck right when I was starting to come out of my shell with the guys there. Last week was a little bit of a tough week for me. I felt like everyone was watching my every move in practice, hoping I would make a mistake. They probably were. I was the new kid that didn't know anybody, and all the kids on the team were already good buddies. I think that affected my play in practice last week because it threw off my mental game. After this weekend, though, I think I gained a lot of respect. I went out there and battled with these guys, and I think they realize now that I'm their teammate, not just the new kid. They're already calling me Teddy, and I've definitely started to come out of my shell a little bit. Now that I'm getting more comfortable, I think I can really start to focus on my game and not what everyone else is thinking about me. I know I will just continue to get better in practice in the next few weeks, and I think as my confidence grows, I'll see myself get much better in games too.

Finally!

This weekend, I played two full games and got a lot of ice time. I think it was like a tryout for me. I played OK on Friday night. I was really nervous, but I just kept telling myself that I belong here in this league. I tried to boost myself with a lot of positive thinking. I made some good plays, some good passes, but I made one very bad mistake and gave up a goal. We lost 5-0, but I don't think the score dictates how hard we played or how well we played. It was a much closer game than the scoreboard read. The pucks just didn't bounce our way. I was a little disappointed with the game I played on Friday night because I know I can play better than that. I think the nerves and just the fact that it was really my first game in the NAHL combined to make it sort of a tough game for me. I don't think I played bad, but I know I could've played better.

On Saturday night, I bounced back and had a really good game. I just played solid. I made some very good passes and played a really smart game. I wasn't as nervous on Saturday, and I was determined to fix my mistakes and prove that I can play on this team. I used my long stick to get in passing and shooting lanes in the defensive zone, made some good passes in the neutral zone, and played conservatively, but smart in the offensive zone, taking a few shots. I used my body in the corners, and I think I made some really good passes to get things started in the defensive zone. Again, the bounces didn't go our way; our team took a few inopportune penalties, and we couldn't put the puck in the net. We lost 3-1, but our effort was there. I really think the game could've gone either way. We had a chance to make a statement against a first-place Texas Tornado team, but we came up a little short this weekend. I think we were definitely close, but we have to bear down, bury our chances, and limit our mental mistakes to compete with the best teams in this league every weekend.

After the game, Coach walked by me and said, "Much better tonight." I think I played a lot better on Saturday too. I think I will only continue to get better as I get more confident and experience more game situations. I'm going to talk to Coach this week and hear more about how he thinks I played. I'm really excited I finally got to play, though. I know I have a lot more to work on in the next few months, and I'm not going to shy away from the workload. I'm confident that I am here for a reason and that I can be a difference maker on this team. It's not just my mind telling me positive thoughts anymore. I really do belong in this league.

I played again tonight. I think I played really well even though we lost. Last night I had a few tough breaks but I was nervous. Tonight I think I had a really solid game.

I'm playing tonight!

Hittin' the Road

Tonight, we leave to play the Texas Tornado this weekend. I think I had a good day of practice today, even though I ended up "winning" the Bender Bucket at the end of practice today. It's a competition where everyone takes their turn on breakaways, and the last one to score gets the Bender Bucket and has to wear it during the pregame skate. I have an excuse, though, because my stick broke on my first turn, and the rest of the time I had to use my backup, which I wasn't very used to...but I'm still the Bender of the week. No excuses.

I'm starting to get over my nerves and just play my game. I still really believe that I can make a difference here right away, and I know I have a great opportunity to prove myself this weekend. No pressure, though. I am going to play well because I know I can, and I'm going to do my best to not put pressure on myself because that's when I tend to crack and make mistakes. I have to realize that I'm going to make mistakes, and I am just going to go out there and play like I have nothing to lose. Because I really don't in the grand scheme of things. Again, I know that I have a lot more things going for me than just hockey, and I know I can play with these guys.

Settling In

There is the view from my house. It's good to be back near mountains.

I'm getting more comfortable, but I think it's going to take a little time. It's a big deal for an 18 year old to move across the country so suddenly. I'm living with a brand new family, trying to meet an all new team, adjusting to a different climate (I've had a few bloody noses from the altitude since getting here), and trying to have the coach down here in New Mexico notice me in a good way. At least I have hockey as the common denominator, though. That's the great thing about playing any sport. Once I get on the ice, I feel like nothing else matters. Right now I'm playing a little tentatively, which I think is expected and natural. But I think I will settle in. From what I've seen, I really think I can make a difference down here pretty immediately. I just need to play my game out on the ice. Looking back on the two practices I've had, I think I've played very nervously actually, but I've done some good things also. I have to get the mentality that I'm the best on the ice, and then I do great. When I'm worried about making mistakes, I make mistakes. Somehow, I have to get over that worrying and have a good practice tomorrow. It's going to be a short week before we go to play the Texas Tornado this weekend, and I need to show this coach what I'm made of.

I had a good night with my billets tonight. It was my first dinner with the family, and we talked for a long time. They're very excited that I'm an O.A.R. fan; my billet dad and I talked for a long time about how similar our music tastes are. I'm really excited about living here. I played around with the boys before dinner, and when I was sitting on the couch, the oldest brother said to me, "I hope you don't get traded." It was funny at the time because their last billet brother was traded, but it made me realize that I really need to prove myself here or I could be gone before I know it. That's just the life of junior hockey, but I'm confident that I can play on this team, and I'm going to make it happen.

What a Weekend!

I remember a week ago, Zach Badalamenti, who had also moved from the Bismarck team to the New Mexico Mustangs, asked me when I was going to get out of Bismarck. I told him, “I don’t think I’ll leave. I’m going to keep working hard and try to play here. I think my chance will come.” It’s pretty funny how quickly things change. Once this opportunity was opened for me, though, it was a no-brainer. This is the right move for me: I think I will get to play and experience game situations, I’m much closer to home—my family will be able to drive a short 6 hours to come see me play—and I think the coach here in New Mexico will be able to help me a lot in my development.

On Friday morning, I had made my decision that I wanted to leave. I went in and talked to Coach, said my goodbyes, and went home and packed all of my belongings in my car. It took me about an hour to pack, and then I was ready to hit the road. I just wanted to get out of Bismarck. I loved my time there, and I love all the guys I met, but it’s time for me to start playing, and I was a little frustrated I didn’t get a chance there in Bismarck. I think I deserved one. Maybe I hurried out of there because I wanted to take some of my anger out on the road. That probably explains the speeding ticket I got less than 2 hours into my 18 hour drive…But I will never forget the experience I had there, and I think it will provide me with some motivation as I keep following my dream.

After I packed up in Bismarck, I drove about 11 hours straight by myself. I slammed two Mona Vie energy drinks, which I got from Bunny and Gary, my billet family in Bismarck, and made my way to Denver. I think I stopped about 4 times, ate in the car, and kept the pedal to the metal all the way. I sang my little heart out all the way through South Dakota and Wyoming, thinking the whole time about this great opportunity that I have. I know I didn’t need to hurry, but I was determined to make it to Boulder to stay in my best buddy, Stephen's, dorm room. I finally got there at about 12:30 in the morning, and it was definitely worth the long haul. I got to see some of my best friends from high school and my best buds, which was a long overdue reunion. We caught up on their college experiences and just had some good, quality bro time. I needed that. It was a well-deserved mental break to hang out with my best bros and just bro out. The next morning, I went with Bergen to see the campus of Denver University, and I had an awesome time meeting some of his friends and just living the college life for a day. He said he can’t wait to see me in a DU uniform. And, hey, it could happen. I just have to keep my work ethic up, and I think anything I want to happen could happen because of the doors I’ve opened for myself off the ice.

On Saturday afternoon, I met my mom in Denver, and we headed out for Albuquerque. Mom and I had some good, quality momma-son time on the 6 or 7 hour drive from Denver to Albuquerque, which I definitely need as well. There’s nothing quite like seeing Mom for the first time in a while, and she definitely helped calm my nerves. As we got further into the drive, I started to get more and more nervous about everything going on. I sort of had a nervous breakdown and kept telling her I thought I lost my phone charger and my half shield for my helmet, but I think that was just to get my mind off of how nervous I actually was about coming to a new team. Of course my mom found those two things 5 minutes after we got to the hotel in Albuquerque. Moms are so good at finding things when they’re lost; I don’t know how they do it. But she kept telling me how excited she is for me, and how she thinks this is the best thing for me to do also. I get a fresh start to prove myself, and it’s just good to know my family is backing me all the way, like they always have.

Mom and I made it for the 3rd period of the game on Saturday night, and on Sunday, I moved into my billet’s house, then we went to the see the Sunday night game. It was great to see the team play and just visualize myself out there. I honestly think I can make a difference here, and I can’t even express how excited I am. My billets are a very nice couple, with two young boys, who, I can tell already, are going to keep me on my toes. It’s going to be fun living here. I think I’m going to love it.

Today, I dropped the rest of my stuff off at my billet’s house, and then I took my mom to the airport. It’s always hard to say bye to Mom, but it’s also nice to hear how excited she is for me. She thinks very highly of the coach here, who made us feel very welcome this weekend, and she just has a good feeling about all of this. And when Mom feels good about it, I feel even better about it. I had my first practice at 2:30. It’s difficult coming into a practice with a new coach and all new kids, but I think I did fine. I was very anxious to finally get on the ice after 3 days of driving. It’s been a while since I’ve gone 3 days without skating. I’m ready to have a good week of practice, though, and I think the coach is really excited about having me here.

After practice, I went to work out with Zach Badalamenti, and we tried to get after it just like we did in Bismarck. Zach told me he thinks the off-ice program here is a lot worse than in Bismarck, which bums me out, but I will keep working hard off the ice, just like I did in Bismarck. And I’ll be able to draw from some of the workouts we had at Healthways in Bismarck…

As you can tell from the novel I just wrote, I’m unbelievably excited about what’s going on. I have a great chance to prove myself here all over again. It’s going to be fun. It’s time to prove some people wrong and make some people regret letting a kid like me go. I know I could have helped the team in Bismarck, but it’s their loss, and, personally, I think they’re losing a pretty special kid.

As you can imagine, I had a pretty crazy weekend. It was a long haul to get to Albuquerque, but it was great to see a little bit of the city. And my mom and I got to see 1 period of the game on Saturday night and the whole game tonight. Can't wait to get started, but for now I'm gonna get some well needed sleep.

Just a minor delay in southwestern North Dakota! 30 dollar speeding ticket, but now i'm ready to drive through the black hills!

Just me, the open road, and the new T Swift album. It's gonna be a good 18 hour drive!

I'm pulling outta Bismarck now, and I have two things on my mind: you make your own luck and holy shit! Excuse my language. But this is a wild ride, and I think the best is yet to come!

Ready for a Change

I can't really believe all that's happened to me in the past day. I'm a little flustered at the moment, as you can probably tell from my writing. Yesterday, I got a call from my advisor asking if I wanted to go play for the New Mexico Mustangs, also in the NAHL. I said, "Yeah I think I would love that!" Plus, it's a lot closer to home for me, and I think my family would enjoy coming to see more games...Then, the coach at New Mexico called me and talked to me. He said they're interested in having me down there because they need defensemen, and they're willing to give me a chance. I got really excited! I'm getting a fresh start. I get to go down to New Mexico and prove myself, and actually get to play. I went in to talk to my coach in Bismarck about the whole situation I'm in. I told him I'm getting an opportunity to play and that the most important thing for me right now is that I play. I said I wanted to leave and go to New Mexico because I didn't see myself playing here anytime soon. He said, "I think this is the right choice for you. I think you need to play and be in game situations. I wish everyone worked as hard as you. I can see you improve every day, and I can tell you're going to be a late bloomer. If things don't work out down there, you're always welcome back; don't give up on your dream because with your size, your grades, work ethic, and character, there will be plenty of doors that open up for you." I think I went about this in the right way. I was very patient and hard working here in Bismarck, and things just didn't work out in my favor. No hard feelings, but now I get a fresh start, and I have some motivation to prove people wrong because I know I can play in this league. My plan is to leave Bismarck today and make my way down south...Goodbye Bismarck, hello New Mexico!

Wow! Things change fast!

Learning A Lot About Myself

Even though I'm not technically going to school--aside from an online sociology course--I'm learning some valuable lessons throughout this process that I will be able to draw from for the rest of my life. I'm going through a unique experience, one that I will never forget. Hopefully, writing about it will help me remember even more than I would normally. I understand that playing junior hockey can be a trap for some kids. Some kids will take advantage of their time away from school and just shut down their brains, becoming lazy and unmotivated to do anything but play hockey and come home to the couch to play video games before the next practice. My parents and I were wary of this fact when I was deciding whether or not I would go down the road I'm on now; I was pretty much 100% convinced that I didn't want to play junior hockey when I was going into my senior year of high school. It's amazing how some things change and how quickly they change.

But I'm not "most kids." I'm trying to learn as much as I can from everything I do, see, and hear while I'm here, playing junior hockey, like I never thought I would. That's just the way I am. When I decide to do something that I know will influence the rest of my life, I decide to do it wholeheartedly. I don't think there's any other way to make those life-changing decisions, or else you're selling yourself short. I truly believe that in the past 8 months I've been putting everything I have into following my dream, and I've also been trying to take away all the valuable lessons I can from interacting with different people, seeing how other people approach the same daily grind I'm going through, and by pushing myself to the edge of my comfort zone, in the weight room and on the ice.

I'm different than most kids. I'm extremely self-driven, and I often think about unimportant things way too much, putting a little too much pressure on myself to be perfect. Looking back, my first few weeks of exposure to junior hockey were not very fun. I've gone through a little bit of a culture shock since arriving in Bismarck. But I'm turning into a hockey player. And I'm learning a lot even though--gasp!--I'm not going to school!?! I'm so happy that I decided to give my dream a chance. I know I will reach my goals if I stay true to myself and keep working hard like I have been so far. Because that's just the way I am. When I put my mind to something, I make it happen.

Off to a Good Start

I've had a good two days of practice so far. I'm excited about how much I'm improving, and I think I've been competing really hard in battle drills and done well in skill drills. Today, I was mad in practice; I think it's a good thing for me to get mad sometimes. My coach singled some people out for working hard and never complaining, and he didn't mention me. That hurt my pride, and it just made me mad to be honest. I started throwing bodies around, like I know I can with my size, but when I get mad, I throw my body around a little more than usual. I don't know if it was a ploy to see what happens when I get mad, or if he actually thinks that I don't work hard and that I complain too much. Nevertheless, I didn't like it, and I'm going to let my anger feed over into my play the rest of this week.

Ready For a Good Week

I think my emotions kind of hit a tipping point on Saturday night. I was just feeling really down on myself, thinking I was never going to get to play, thinking that my dream of playing Division I hockey was really out of my reach if I couldn't even play in the NAHL. But I had time to regroup today, and I'm feeling a lot better, a lot more positive. I'm ready to have a good week of practice. I know I'm close to playing, but I also know that I want to be absolutely ready when my chance comes. I really do think things will work out for me here in Bismarck. And I really do think I can play Division I, but I need to worry about playing here first. It's good to always have that goal of playing Division I in mind, but it's also good to have reasonable, accomplishable goals that I can reach in the near future in mind to be fair to myself. I don't want to get ahead of myself because that could be dangerous.

Today, I hung out with Nick again, the 8 year old I've been spending time with on Sundays. I think he's a really fun kid, and I think he really likes to spend time with a Bobcat. It's definitely a mental break for me too. It's good to get back to the days of playing cops and robbers, Star Wars, and just having that carefree, imaginative attitude that an 8 year old has. I'm having a lot of fun with him. Now, it's back to work this week, though. It seems like it'll be next weekend before I know it, so I can't take a day off on the ice this week. I want to be more consistent and just have a good, solid week of practice.

Feeling Down, But I Shouldn't

It's really hard to stay positive right now. This is the hardest thing I've ever done mentally. I've never had to constantly question myself. Am I good enough? Do I want to be here? Why am I not playing? Should I be playing? Why are some other people playing in front of me? What is Coach's plan for me? When will I play? Will I play? There are so many unknowns that are breaking me down mentally.

But then I look at the positives. I'm being given a chance right now. If it was up to my abilities alone, I probably wouldn't have made this team. I played 4 years of high school hockey, where I was the best one on the ice every night. I have never experienced the game at this level, and I'm hanging in there and improving every day. I think I'm ready. I think I deserve a shot here soon because I've been working so hard and improving so much, but if I don't get one here, I won't let it get me down. I have more things going for me than just hockey, unlike a lot of kids who are going through the same process as I am. I am a good student, a good person, a strong athlete, and I have so many people who believe in me. At the end of the day, if I don't get a chance here, I think there will be other teams that would love to have me around. I'm sick of all the politics. I want to play. And I know my best days are still coming.

Tough Stretch for the Team

We've lost 3 games in a row, and I think some changes might be coming. I always hope one of the changes is seeing my name in the lineup, but I don't know if that'll happen, at least this weekend. Tonight we lost 2-1 to the Coulee Region Chill. It's so frustrating to watch games from the stands; I find myself almost rooting against our team when I'm not playing. I think it's natural that I want people to make mistakes because I want to play, I want to be on the bench and in the locker room with the team. It's probably a bad thing to be cheering against my own team from the stands, especially since we've heard a lot lately about how team success brings about individual success, but I can't help it. Of course I feel like I can play better than some of our defensemen are playing, but I won't know until I actually get into some game situations. I want to be 100% ready when my chance comes. I feel like I'm ready now, but maybe Coach is holding me back for a reason. Maybe he wants me to improve a little bit more before he puts me out there. I don't know. I will talk to him next week about what his plans for me are. But for now I'm going to bed. We have to win tomorrow or we'll be bag skating for sure next week..

I just found out I'm not playing tonight. I'm a little bummed, but I'll get over it. I know I'm getting close. Gotta stay patient.

Team Dinner at Space Aliens

I didn't have a very good day on the ice. We did mostly penalty kill and power play work, and I was on the penalty kill. I got scored on quite a bit, but I will work on it. I need to read the play better and just get my stick into passing lanes. After practice, I went to Healthways, our off-ice training center, and did an agility workout with the trainer there. He has us on this new eating plan where we have to eat 6 small meals a day and write down everything we eat. Not a big deal for me because I'm constantly eating, but it will be interesting to be able to see everything I eat in a week. Coach told us after practice that it is not acceptable that we get outworked this weekend, like we did in Aberdeen last weekend. We need to be a much harder working team and start creating an identity for ourselves.

Tonight, we had a team dinner at Space Aliens, a restaurant chain that started here in Bismarck. It's a pretty wild place with wacky space paintings and decorations all over. The food is OK. We had a nice team gathering, though, and it was paid for by our owner, which was nice. After dinner, our owner talked to us about his expectations for us this season. Expectations are high as the Bobcats are defending national champs. He stressed that we are not national champs, last year's team gets that recognition, although he does think we have the potential and talent to become national champs again if we work hard and play gritty Bobcat hockey. He talked about the importance of having a very supportive community like Bismarck behind us, and he talked about our first-class off ice program that we have available at Healthways. He told us that the Bobcats provide the means for you to succeed, but they don't hand a Division I scholarship to anyone. The work has to be done by the players, and anyone who doesn't work hard or show the coaches that they want to be a Bobcat, will probably be gone sooner than later. It was an interesting talk, there were good things said that I think the team needed to hear. I know I've shown that I'm willing to work hard and that I have a lot of potential, but potential really isn't anything. I just need to keep working hard and making an impression and I think my time will come.

Time Flying

These days go by so fast! We have a big weekend coming up, with two games against the first place Coulee Region Chill. I think I've had a really good week of practice, and I'm hoping I get to play this weekend in at least one of the games, but I'm not getting my hopes up too much. I don't play very well when I'm really excited, and I don't play very well when I'm really nervous. I have to figure out how to keep my emotions balanced and just play my game if my chance comes.

I think I've finally gotten used to playing at this speed, though, at least in practice. I can't say that I have in games because I've only played in one game. But, finally, I feel like I can make good passes and keep up with the other guys in drills. I think this is partly a confidence thing. I know I can still get faster feet and get better at handling the puck and just improve on a lot of things in general. I'm getting a lot better though, a lot more confident. And I know I can play at this level. It seemed like it took forever because I'm just really hard on myself even when I make a mistake in practice. I've definitely improved my mental game since coming here, though. With that said, I knew coming in that I had a lot of work to do and a lot of catching up to do, and I'm really proud of myself for how I've handled everything the past few weeks. I've been at the gym and on the ice basically every day. I kind of have a reputation now for being the first one on the ice and the last one off every day. And I don't think I'm the only one who has seen a huge improvement in myself. But I can't let up because I still have a long way to go to reach my goals.

Kind of a Bad Day

I guess everyone has bad days on the ice, but I think mine was because I tired myself out before practice. I was out on the ice 45 minutes early, which might be a little too early. I played well at the beginning of practice, and then when we started playing 4-on-4 full ice, I played bad. I just wasn't seeing the ice very well, some of the goals were my fault, and I got completely laid out once. My head sort of hurts now from the hit. Coach had to play goalie in practice with us today because, surprisingly, our back up goalie decided he would rather play Division 3 hockey and go to school close to home in Minnesota. He left on Saturday morning. His decision to go home really caught Coach (and everyone) off guard; he told us before practice that if anyone is unhappy about being here, they should go talk to him. He doesn't want any more bombs dropped on him. And then I heard after workout today that one kid who is in the same position I am--where he has to work his way onto the roster--decided he wants to go to another team. He's headed to play for New Mexico on Wednesday.

I think I'm really close to breaking through onto the roster. I'm feeling like I will get rewarded for my hard work and dedication throughout this whole process. There are only a few kids who have not yet played a game, and after practice Coach said, "There are some kids who have stuck with me for a month and a half of Hell, and they haven't even played one game yet. Their chance is coming." I think I have been the hardest working player on and off the ice because I've been driven by my desire to play. I'll definitely keep working hard, but I think my chance will come around sooner than later. One thing that separates me from others is that when things get hard or don't go my way, I only work harder to make them go my way. I've persevered through this month and a half even though I haven't been playing, and I've made it clear that I'm willing to work hard to earn a spot.

Big Bro

Today, I was a big brother for the afternoon. I met up with a young boy that my billet mom knows. I played basketball with him for about an hour and a half at the YMCA in Bismarck. It was really fun, and he was full of energy. He's a big Bobcat fan; he plays hockey and wants to be a goalie. It was relaxing to take my focus off of myself for a day. I was focused on him having fun instead of worrying about myself. I definitely want to meet him again because it helped me relieve my stress, and I think he really enjoyed getting to spend a day with a Bobcat. But it's back to work again tomorrow. I'm ready to have a really good week of practice and try to earn a spot on the roster for these upcoming games against the Coulee Region Chill.

Find a Happy Place

I had a lot of time to think yesterday after the game. We lost 4-3 in Aberdeen, and we weren't allowed to talk at all on the 3 hour bus ride home. I was bummed about not playing, but I think I will get a chance soon. Sometimes, I start to have some self doubt, and it's hard to get rid of it. But last night I got some texts from friends at the first home game of the year at DU. It got me really excited. I know the Sunderlands might not like this because they're die-hard North Dakota fans, but when I picture myself in a DU or Colorado College uniform, I get really happy and excited about playing Division I college hockey. I really think I can, and it helps it become more of a reality when I envision myself playing in a DU uniform. Jack, I'm sorry, I will take the knife out of your back when I come home at Christmas, but it's always been my dream. I have a long road left to go before playing Division I--I haven't even really played one game in the NAHL yet--but I know I can, and picturing myself playing there only helps raise my confidence when I'm doubting myself.

Heading out to Aberdeen, South Dakota right now to play the Wings tonight. I'm not playing again but i'm staying positive. This is the first post I've sent from my phone so I don't know how it'll look online...

The Mental Edge

I'm realizing how important the mental side of the game is. Yesterday, I didn't think I played very well because I wasn't confident mentally. I played scared, and I even felt like I was a little threatened by this new defenseman from Bismarck showing up. Today, I went out on the ice early and put my mind in the right place. When I tell myself I'm a good player over and over in my mind, I can tell a difference in how I play. When I go out there and worry about not being good enough, I'm not good enough. It's really a pretty straightforward concept, but I seem to have trouble believing in myself sometimes. I have to figure out how to stay strong mentally all the time. Worrying only about the things I can control will help me, but it's going to be a little hard to train my mind like that because I've been a worrier for a long time. I've started reading a few books that help with the mental side of performing higher. One of them is called The Fearless Mind by Craig Manning, and I really like it so far. It says in the first chapter, "If we truly follow what we love and not what we like, what is safe and easy, or what someone else wants us to do, we will have more passion and energy; we will achieve higher levels of performance; and we will find greater joy. This passion will spill over onto those with whom we come in contact--our families, friends, and coworkers. I truly believe that if we have the fearlessness to follow our hearts, there is not much we cannot do. Those who don't follow their hearts never find true happiness, for happiness cannot be given; we must find it for ourselves." I know that I'm following my heart for a reason, and I have to remember this when I have a moment where I don't believe in myself.

Just a Little Update

We had our first real practice since the weekend today. I wouldn't count the bag skate on Monday as a practice... To be honest, I didn't play very well; I was a little off with my passing and fell pretty hard once when I caught an edge. It was a little funny. But I'm realizing that it's going to be hard to improve without playing in games. It's tough to make passes at game speed when I have yet to experience a full game, and add on the fact that the whole rest of the team came back from this weekend with 3 recent games under their belt. It's a timing thing, and after this weekend, where I didn't really make any passes to anyone because I was on the ice with only one other player, it's just hard to jump right back in to a practice when everyone else is in game shape. I didn't do terribly, but I'm being hard on myself because I'm anxious to get out on the ice during a game. I think I'm ready, and I can't wait for my chance.

After practice, I went into Coach's office to check in on how I'm doing. I told him I think I've improved a lot, and he agreed with me. He said he's noticed how hard I've been working, going out on the ice early and going to the gym on off days. He told me he wants to try to get me playing in the next few weeks if he can get the roster worked out, but he wants me to bear with him as he tries to work out some kinks. If he can't get me playing in the next two weeks, he told me that he wants to trade me somewhere I can play. Here are my thoughts on the situation: There are 3 young defensemen playing in front of me, '92 and '93 birth years, and another player from Bismarck, a defenseman who played in the USHL last year but got injured over the summer, will be on the roster soon. If he's made commitments to these players, and I'm going to be the odd one out all year, this is not somewhere I want to be. I want to play, and I need to play to improve and get looks from colleges. I don't want to fill water bottles all year, especially when there are younger players playing in front of me. But, if Coach gives me a chance to play, I want to stay here. I'm very comfortable living at my billet house, and I really like all the guys. I know I can play here, but if I don't get the chance, then I don't get the chance, and I will want to get a chance somewhere else. I'm going to keep talking to Coach often and stay updated on what's going on, but, personally, I think it'd be a mistake for him to let me go. I've improved in just a few short weeks, I've shown I am willing to work and work really hard, I have the talent to play at this level, and I'm 6'4", 220 pounds when some kids playing in front of me are barely 170 pounds. I know size doesn't really matter, but not to toot my own horn, I'm the perfect size for a defenseman... OK, I'll stop ranting now, but I'm excited I might get a shot soon, and just a little stressed about not playing.

2,000 Pageviews!!

Just hit 2,000 pageviews all-time on the blog. Keep 'em comin.

223?!?

On a good day back in March, I weighed 197 pounds. I just weighed in after dinner tonight, and I weighed 223 pounds, the heaviest I've ever been. My body's been changing a lot over the past few months with how much I've been lifting, and I can definitely tell a difference on the ice. I'm a much better skater now that I've started lifting this much, and I can tell I'm much stronger on my skates. I'm excited to see what happens on the ice as I keep working hard off the ice over the next few months.

A Fun Night

We had our rookie dinner last night at Red Lobster. All the rookies were dressed up, mostly as girls. We got together at one of the vets' house and took some pictures before we went out to dinner. The looks we got when we first walked in to Red Lobster were pretty funny, and I could hear some people murmuring when we walked by. My costume didn't win, but it was still fun to be there with everyone. The bill ended up being 800 dollars, and the rookies didn't even get to order food. So the vets went pretty wild with everything they ordered. It wasn't bad, though, since there are 15 rookies. We all split the bill and only had to pay 60 dollars each. The bill was 23 dollars less than last year...I was expecting the worst all dinner because it seemed like the vets were constantly ordering food and drinks.

Today, we have a day off. I think I deserve a nice day off, mentally and physically, so I didn't go into the rink to skate today. And Sam said I shouldn't go anyways because Coach told us he didn't want to see anyone around the rink today. I still am going to go and work out, but I'm going to stay off the ice today.

Rookie Dinner Tonight

This morning we had to bag skate for an hour. I was close to puking out on the ice for the first time ever. We had to skate because some of the high school kids have gotten in trouble for being late to school. It might've been the hardest skate I've ever had. We had to skate holding tires over our heads for most of the time. Coach stressed the importance of learning to be on time for everything, and said that this skate was something we had to do together to learn a lesson. Afterwards I went to the gym again. We have the day off tomorrow because the kids who played this weekend deserve a good rest. I might try to go into the rink and skate for a while even though Coach said he doesn't want to see anyone there tomorrow.

Tonight we have our rookie dinner at Red Lobster, where the rookies dress up and buy dinner for all the vets. The vets like to go all out and eat a little extravagantly, to say the least. I have to dress up in a bumblebee leotard...Imagine me, a 220 pound, 6'4" kid, in a bumblebee leotard at Red Lobster. Would you be able to eat? It might be a little too disturbing. Anyway, it should be a fun night with everyone together, and the best dressed rookie doesn't have to pay, so I'm hoping my bumblebee leotard does the trick. I'm not looking forward to the bill after the dinner, though...

Back to Love

Our team chaplain is full of great advice. He knows that this whole process is very stressful on a lot of players, and that's his job: to help take the stress off of us. He says, "When you get stressed, come back to the fact that you love this sport." A lot of times, love is the only thing that can help take stress away. And I love hockey. So I'm going to get back on the horse, put this disappointing weekend behind me, and keep working hard. I know good things are coming my way if I keep working hard, but I need to find a way to think positively because I play a lot better when I'm stress free. The guys come back into town tonight after a 2-1 weekend, and I can't wait to get on the ice tomorrow.

Blog Coming Together

I must admit that I'm really happy with how this blog is coming together...It's like my little sanctuary. I spend almost as much time on this as I do on my facebook. And that's a lot of time... It's almost like Tom Riddle's diary in Harry Potter...I post my entries, and people come back with helpful support! I hope it doesn't turn against me like in Harry Potter... But in all seriousness, the support I get from people really helps, and this blog helps me realize how many people care about what I'm doing and how I'm doing. I don't mean to be a Negative Nancy all the time, but this process is pretty stressful sometimes, and it always helps to hear some positive encouragement from friends and family. And sorry about my Harry Potter references...I read all 7 books again this summer and had to throw that in there.

Losing This Mental Battle

It's pretty hard to stay positive right now. I'm working so hard, but my mind is starting to have negative thoughts creep in. Sitting here in Bismarck while the rest of the team is on the road is so frustrating. Negative thoughts start to accumulate and get worse and worse once I let one bad one in. I'm the kind of kid who really doesn't like to show that I'm unhappy or upset about something, I sort of just try to let myself take care of it and make things better. I don't like to tell people or talk to people about it because that's the way I am. I've always been like that. (Haha, I guess this blog changes that because now I'm making my emotions public...) But I don't even feel like a Bobcat.

I want to get out on the ice and change that. And I want to know what I need to do to change that. I've been making strides here in the last few weeks, gaining confidence. Then, I get told to stay in Bismarck while the team goes on this road trip... There are just so many mental ups and downs that are hard to get through in this process. I'm learning a lot about myself. But this isn't high school hockey anymore. No one's going to baby me through this, hold my hand and tell me straight up, "You know, we think you're a really great player, and we think you're going to be our best defenseman." I have to figure out how to push out the negatives and focus on my goals. I need to keep getting better, keep working as hard as I have been, and not let these mental hiccups get me down because I know there will be a lot more as the season progresses.

Just Some Thoughts...

I'm a little disgruntled with being the #8 defenseman on the team, to say the least. I'm an ultra-competitive person, and I like to be the best at everything I do. When I'm not the best, it really bothers me, and I work hard to become the best if it really matters to me. I've become sort of obsessed with getting better lately. I've been on the ice and at the gym every day this week and last week. I don't like being looked at like I'm just a practice guy or feeling like people are looking at me differently because I'm just a practice guy, I don't like being just the water bottle guy or the stat guy, and I don't like being the guy left behind on road trips. I want to be the guy. I want to be the best defenseman on the team. And I think I can be. I have all the tools to get me there, plus the intangibles that not a lot of guys have. It's a good thing that I'm unhappy with my situation right now because that's what's driving me to get better. I don't want to get complacent or lazy or even let the fact that I'm not OK with not playing show. I'm just going to keep doing things the way I have been because I think, eventually, my hard work and positive attitude will pay off.

A lot of the books I've been reading have highlighted the importance of setting goals for yourself. I want to be playing by November. If I keep working as hard as I have been and pushing myself to get better every day, I don't think I'll have a problem with achieving that goal. I just have to stay positive and stay ahead on the mental battle.

Bummer

Well, I just found out I won't be going on the trip this weekend. Kind of a bummer, but I have to go with it and find the positives in it. I think the owner is trying to cut down on expenses, so the team is only taking 23 players. It's hard to have to deal with this because I don't even feel like a part of the team. They will be gone for 4 days, and I'll be in Bismarck with a few other kids. But I think I will get to skate and work out, so at least I won't be sitting around, doing nothing. I have to stay positive and keep working hard to crack the roster here in the next few weeks. When the team gets back, I'm going to go in and talk to Coach and find out more about how I'm doing and what else I need to be doing to play.

3 Game Weekend

This weekend, we are playing Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. We play in Austin, Minnesota Friday and Saturday. And then we head to Owatonna, Minnesota for a game on Sunday. We haven't seen either of these teams yet, so it should be an exciting weekend and a big test for our team. We're leaving at 7 AM tomorrow. I don't know whether I'll play or not, but I'm still being patient and just trying to soak in as much as I can before I get my chance. I've learned a lot from just watching these games, and I'll stay positive even if I don't get called upon this weekend.

Finding a Rhythm

Today, I showed up at the rink ready to work, just like always. I stickhandled, then went on the ice at about 9. I actually like being out on the ice all alone. It's a cool feeling when I'm out there by myself. It feels like there are thousands of people watching in the empty seats, but really no one's watching, and I can just do work. I push myself in the drills I do by myself, but I don't tire myself out because there is a full length practice afterwards. But I get a sweat going, warm my hands up, and warm my mind up. I've started to get into a rhythm, and I think going out on the ice early really gets me ready to practice and practice well. I think people respect how hard I'm working. They see me get better every day, and I think it makes them want to work hard with me. It feels really good to work hard and feel results, but it also feels good to have other people notice how hard I work and see a difference. I had another solid practice today. I'm getting so much better it's scary. Not only am I getting better physically, but I'm also getting stronger mentally. I really believe I can play Division I hockey, and I'm not worried about every little mistake I make anymore. Before I was worried about what people would think of me as a person because of the mistakes I made on the ice. It was silly, but the way I am, I just think about little things like that. And as hard as it is to talk to friends in college and hear what they're going through, I know I chose this path, and I know this is what I want to be doing. I mean, I get to play hockey 3 hours a day!

After practice, Coach skated us for 15 or 20 minutes because we were very undisciplined and took 23 penalties in 2 games this weekend. I've bagged more times here in a month than I think I ever have. But, like I said, working hard is fun. One of the guys said today during the stretch after the skate, "It's gonna be a long nap today. Probably 3, 4 hours..." I kind of thought to myself, "Eh, that'd be nice; I should do that." Then, I decided I wanted to go work hard some more instead, so I went and worked out. I also went to the office after practice and talked to Coach Gill because Coach Sedevie wasn't there. I asked him how he thinks I'm doing, and he smiled like he thought I already knew the answer. He said, "Good. Just keep doing what you're doing. We're noticing."